Chuck Norris don't go in the JOKE THREAD... he get's his own.

[LoneWolf]

http://www.youtube.com/v/keJsUmMkrZ4&rel=1

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck Noris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Noris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Noris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won... by five.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Chuck Norris eats steel.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but Chuck Norris can **** on the ceiling

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the SOUL.

God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "Say please".

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

Chuck Noris believes it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris let the dogs out

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

"Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.

Guns kill 12 people a day. Chuck Norris kills 20.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris doesn't get the belt, the belt get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The adjective "perfect" originated when Chuck Norris gave his penis a nickname.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That's just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The Titanic didn't sink by hitting an iceberg, it really hit Chuck Norris' chin as he was making his usual laps around the North Atlantic.

When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn't speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because it implies the possibility of failure Chuck Norris goes killing.

When you are Chuck Norris every light claps on and off.

Crop circles are just Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay the **** down.

it only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris is not in your extended network, you are in his

Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie, it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris' backyard

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

When Bruce Willis gets mad, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When The Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris figured out a way to make his dink 10 inches long. He folded it in half.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris doesn't speak, instead he projects his thoughts toward his right foot and then roundhouse kicks them into the face of whoever is listening.

[OJTV8CJ]

[farmboy]

Chuck Norris kicks so hard he kicks you in the back of the face.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
 
Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
 
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
 
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
 
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
 
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
 
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
 
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
 
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
 
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
 
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
 
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
 
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
 
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
 
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
 
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
 
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
 
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
 
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
 
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
 
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
 
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
 
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
 
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
 
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
 
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
 
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
 
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
 
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
 
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
 
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
 
There is in fact an ?I? in Norris, but there is no ?team?? not even close.
 
Scotty in Star Trek often says ?Ye cannae change the laws of physics.? This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
 
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
 
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
 
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
 
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
 
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
 
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
 
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron?s ass halfway through the first chapter.
 
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
 
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
 
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
 
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
 
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
 
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
 
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
 
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
 
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
 
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
 
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
 
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
 
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
 
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
 
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
 
This isn't even the biginning.  Chuck Norris is the man!!!

[farmboy]

More Videos:

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/huckabeenapproved.html

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/danza.html

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/bigidea.html

[YJ_Aaron]

[farmboy]

Cuck Norris don't blend...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdD54rG9oQA

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus? birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris invented water.

[LoneWolf]

Bigfoot's friends don't believe his picture of Chuck Norris is real.

[farmboy]

This one is kinda wrong... thats why I am putting it up!!!

In Chuck Norris' spare time he loves knitting sweaters....
By knitting he means kicking and by sweaters he means babies!!!

[LoneWolf]

This one is kinda wrong... thats why I am putting it up!!!

In Chuck Norris' spare time he loves knitting sweaters....
By knitting he means kicking and by sweaters he means babies!!!

 

[farmboy]

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It?s called Chuck-Will-Kill.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined ?victim? as ?one who has encountered Chuck Norris?

"every night, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris; but then Bob Saget comes in, gives the boogeyman warm milk and quietly reads him a bedtime story."(thats a new spin on things)

[LoneWolf]

Chuck Norris goes shark fishing every week... He rolls around in blood then goes surfing.

[LoneWolf]

Barrack Hussein Obama thinks he is God, Chuck Norris' republican right foot says otherwise.

[Bradman]