Ozarks Jeep Thing Club
Off Topic => Off Topic Discussion => Topic started by: OldYJ on 12/21/06 - 10:45PM
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An old prospector walks his tired old mule into this western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey .
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail . As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and
clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand he looked at the old man and laughed .
Then he said "Hey old man have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at him and said "No, I never did dance, I just never did want to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said "Well you old fool
you're gonna dance now." And he started shooting at the old man's feet. The
old man was hopping around and every body was laughing. He fired his last
bullet then holstered his gun and he turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule got his shotgun and pulled the hammers
back making a clicking sound. The gunslinger heard this and everything got
quiet. He turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at him.
The old man asked him " Did you ever kiss a mule right on the BUTT?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No, but I've always wanted to."
thanks to CPJ for this one
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Okay,
A guy walks into a bar
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Subject: The Outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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Sexual Olympics
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
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Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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Top 10 Reasons . . . to date (or marry) a Jeepchick
10. You won't have to share your Jeep with her.
9. Weather permitting, she prefers driving topless.
8. Since she is obviously not into creature comforts, she will be low maintenance.
7. She can probably perform her own Jeep maintenance, so you won't have to.
6. She won't complain when you are out working on your Jeep.
5. She probably has her own tools.
4. She likes it rough and bumpy.
3. She can take your Jeep in for warranty work, and they won't ask her a single question, even with that 4-inch lift and those 33-inch Super Swampers.
2. She will usually buy you Jeep parts for gifts, and expect the same in return.
And the Number One reason to date (or marry) a chick with a Jeep:
1. Plenty of spare parts waiting to be stripped from her Jeep when she's not looking!
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Much Better!!! :applaudit:
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how do you tell the difference between male fudge and female fudge?
male fudge has nuts
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Why Men Wear Earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were
into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my Jeep."
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Top 10 Reasons . . . to date (or marry) a Jeepchick
10. You won't have to share your Jeep with her.
9. Weather permitting, she prefers driving topless.
8. Since she is obviously not into creature comforts, she will be low maintenance.
7. She can probably perform her own Jeep maintenance, so you won't have to.
6. She won't complain when you are out working on your Jeep.
5. She probably has her own tools.
4. She likes it rough and bumpy.
3. She can take your Jeep in for warranty work, and they won't ask her a single question, even with that 4-inch lift and those 33-inch Super Swampers.
2. She will usually buy you Jeep parts for gifts, and expect the same in return.
And the Number One reason to date (or marry) a chick with a Jeep:
1. Plenty of spare parts waiting to be stripped from her Jeep when she's not looking!
LOL Good Joke.... Keep your paws off of my Jeep :agree:
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Since we are in the Bible Belt I thought this was funny!!
Don't Make Me Bible Belt You
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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:applaudit: thats a good one Dave
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Since we are in the Bible Belt I thought this was funny!!
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A preacher was preparing his sermon for the upcoming Sunday
service. He told his wife that he had decided to preach
against the "sins of surfing." It seems that the members
were going to the beach on Sunday instead of church, and he
wanted to do something about it. His wife vigoriously
protested, saying that he really should not do this, since
he didn't know what he was talking about.
On Sunday the preacher's wife was sick, and could not go to
church with him. On his way to Church, the preacher decided
that she was right, and changed the text of his sermon,
deciding to preach about the "sin of illicit sex."
On the following Tuesday, the preacher's wife attended her
ladies church meeting. One of the ladies there commented to
her that she had really enjoyed the sermon of the previous
Sunday. The wife looked very surprised, and said, "Well I
don't know why...I told him not to preach about it. He
doesn't know anything about it, has only tried it twice, and
he fell off both times."
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THREE MECHANICS
Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands its dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands."
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Three old Jeepers are sitting on the porch, talking about who has it the worst. Roger says to Brad & Tom, "All those miles on the trail have made it tough to take a leak in the morning when i get out of bed, I have to get up at 5am & it takes me almost 45 minutes to dribble my bladder dry."
Brad replies, "HA! You think you have it bad, i have to get up at 4:30 to take my morning dump. I'm so constipated from all those miles on the trail, it takes me almost an hour to finish."
Tom looks at the other two, and chuckles, "Well, at 5am, i pi$$ like a racehorse, & at 6am, i crap like a pig......Then around 7:15, i wake up"
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The Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.
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"Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.
I must say this one was pretty funny
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Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
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Nothing like a good joke thread, anyone have anymore?
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Nothing like a good joke thread, anyone have anymore?
Oh yeah, got a TON of em!
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Wow this is a baaaaaaaad one.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any
specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Why yes, as a matter of fact we do, a brand new
drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst
Blue
Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "A Pabst Smir."
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Yep..that was bad..here is one for everyone!
THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN STORY THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY
MEMBERS OF BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT, IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in,
it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds
himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance
is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours
have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and
we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted
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Yes, you were right it is politically correct. LOL
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Sexually Exhausted Jock
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
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Daddy's Little Girl
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells
her father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will
God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines
to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd
start going all over the place ... tell everyone how much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter
with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful
thing I've ever heard." "I know," Thelma says, "and
once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could
blow his head off."
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Hee Hee thats great!!!
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I had saved this some years back even before I had a daughter but I lost. any way refound it and plan on using it in about 20 more years if I get my way 12 or so if the females in the house get thier s
Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
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one more for the new year
addy's Rules for Dating
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Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Three Explorers Are Captured...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
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love the daughter dating app! Wish I had a daughter just so I could use it!! :agree:
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For those of you who are pet lovers and owners, this will make perfect sence to you!
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 1081
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 2082
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul
odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
-
For those of you who are pet lovers and owners, this will make perfect sence to you!
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 1081
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 2082
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul
odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
so true except my dog doesnt mind bathtime.
-
This guy runs into a bar and slams
his fist down on the bar and demands
a drink of the Bars best whiskey and
he has to have it now! He drinks it
down and demands another, again he
chugs it down. He again demands another
and the Bartender asks, "what in the
world is your problem there buddy?"
The guy chugs down his drink and says,
"Hurry, give me another! You'd be drinkin
like this too if you had what I have!
Hurry poor me another!"
The bartender poors another and again this
guys chugs it down. The bartender then
asks, "exactly what is it you have?"
The guy replies, "A dollar."
-
Three things to remember after 50:
1. NEVER pass a rest area.
2. NEVER waste an erection.
3. NEVER trust a fart.
-
Three things to remember after 50:
3. NEVER trust a fart.
Heck, Im only 31 and sometimes I dont trust them. Just ask Roger. :bigeyes:
-
more after 50...
never mix ex-lax and muscle relaxers!
-
The Buffalo Theory:
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers :
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
-
Miranda Rights
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "boobs!"
-
Last two were pretty good.
I'll have to use them both if and when the time arises.
-
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal,
and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this William Wagenhoss" not
sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling? The
telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to
the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and
must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he
would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to
testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great
length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had
been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was
getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shakey voice. I
then told him we had located his position at his work place and the
police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that
point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My
wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down
my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.
-
Good one!!
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Heard that one on Bob and Tom.
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A guy buys a brand new beamer and takes it out on the high way to see what it will do. He hit 90 right as he passed a Highway patrol car so doing the logical thing he sped up but then got caught in traffic and the cop caught up and pulled him over.
When the cop asked him if he knew what he was pulled over for the man answered "SPEEDING".
The cop replied yes and since you didn't make me chase you I will give you a chance to get out of the ticket buy giving me an excuse that I haven't heard.
The man ponders for a minute and then begins to say
Well officer my wife left me for a police officer so to cheer me back up I went and bought a new car. I was just out testing it and that is when I saw you .
The officer replied so why did you run.
The man without missing a beat stated that when he saw the office behind him he was trying to get away for fear that he was trying to bring his wife back.
The office stood there with a blank face on and simply stated
" Have a good day sir"
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Sunburned and upset, Sandy returned to the office on Monday morning. "What's wrong Sandy?" asked one of her co-workers. "I've had it!" exclaimed Sandy; "I'm going on a diet once and for all!" "Oh you dont look so bad," said the co-worker. "Oh, really?" pouted Sandy. "Sunday, I decided to go to the beach and fell asleep. I woke up with four men from Greenpeace pulling on my arms and legs and one shouting: "Quick, let's see if we can slide i back into the water."
Most Women are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. :agree:
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
I thought I'd try to catch up to the rest of you funny people :loopeye:
-
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
on his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.
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A little boy was walking down the road when a man drove up behind him and said, "Hey kid, jump in and we will go for a ride".
The kid said, "No", and kept walking.
The man once again pulled up to him and said, "Hey kid, come on and go for a ride with me and I will give you $20.00".
The kid then said, "Look dad, you bought the damn Tracker, you ride in it".
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How to tell you have OD Green Fever a.k.a. the ?Jeep Restoration Bug?.
You look for Jeeps in movies and TV shows and try to identify the model and date of manufacture.
You set-aside quality time to be spent with your Jeep, and spend more money on it than on your girlfriend.
You have a replacement part in your garage for every drive component on the Jeep
Your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house.
You can be found in the driveway lying under your jeep at 12:50 am
You want to take things apart and rebuild them, even if they are not broken.
You complain about everything, but smile when you fix everything yourself.
Every page of your repair manual has greasy fingerprints.
You remember part numbers easier than your spouse?s birthday
You have to fix almost everything yourself because no one has ever worked on a WWII army vehicle.
You get in your vehicle and are surprised if all of the instruments work.
You consider starting a vehicle five times in any given minute a routine procedure.
You can diagnose a "funny" sound coming from the engine compartment and immediately know how much it will cost to fix and exactly what tools you'll need to fix it
You know a minimum of three long distance numbers to Military Jeep Parts businesses by heart.
When you have all your credit card numbers memorized
Your credit card bill usually has more than 6 Jeep related items on it.
Your wallet is always empty.
You are constantly broke or soon to be broke.
You have the monetary equivalent of a Mercedes sedan invested, but your vehicle still looks like it came out of a crate you bought for $50.
You own a vehicle that weighs 1000 pounds more than when it came off the assembly line because of all the accoutrements you?ve added.
You name your Jeep
You're constantly getting passed on the highway and don?t mind.
When you use your ice scraper on the inside of your windshield.
You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents. Heater vents? What heater vents?
Radio... what radio?
-
Heck Jimmy I thought all of us jeepers were like that, without the military part anyway. For some reason the heat part really hit home :confused:
-
your right Aaron we are... haha. I wanted to leave the joke in it's orginal form. because of the title OD Green Fever...
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Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every
available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands!"
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A duck hunter shoots a duck, and it falls dead just on the other side of a farmer's fenceline. The hunter proceeds climbing over the fence to retrieve his duck when the farmer drives up and stops him. The hunter says "that's my duck, i shot it, and i am not leaving without it!" The farmer replies "It's my duck, it fell on my property, and you aren't taking it."
They argued back & forth for a few minutes, and finally the farmer says, "OK, here's how we'll solve this. I'll kick you in the testicles, and then you'll kick me in the testicles, and we'll continue that until only one of us is standing, and the winner takes the duck." The hunter said fine, you go first.
The farmer drew back his heavily booted foot & busted him square in his testicles. The hunter rolled around for a few minutes, puked, and then got up and said "OK, my turn!"
The farmer smiled and replied "You can have that damn duck."
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I don't consider myself a republican or a democrat, but in the season of nominating canidates for club office, I thought this one needed to be posted.
Drinking Politics
A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached." The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!" "Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down." "That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?" "Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says. "Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says. So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda." "Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."
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(http://jeeptreks.com/images/posted/cartoons/toon5.jpg)
(http://jeeptreks.com/images/posted/cartoons/toon2.jpg)
(http://jeeptreks.com/images/posted/cartoons/Toon19.jpg)
FYI: THIS PICTURE IS NOT MEANT TO CREATE CONTROVERSY WITHIN THE
CLUB. JUST FOR THE RECORD ... MY SISTER HAS A YJ...
(http://jeeptreks.com/images/posted/cartoons/MonsterMBJoke.jpg)
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well, let take a look............I dont know very many round head light guys that can hang with.....Kyle,Richie,Brian or Derek.... heck I have square head lights and they scare me... :bowdown:
no really those where good Jimmie
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Hello!
My friend sent me this joke today and I thought I would pass it on.
A Wal-mart manager had to choose a new employee from a few that had been interviewed. He called each one in to ask them one question and decided the one that answered it the best would fill the position.
He asked the first, "What is the fastest thing you can think of?" and man replied "a thought, it comes with out warning and is there out of the blue. You can't controll the speed of a thought."
The next answered, "a blink, it happens automatically and you can't really control when it will happens."
The third said, "Well, we have a light switch in our house that controls the light out in our yard and when we hit the switch the light turns on...nothing can beat the spead of light."
Well, thinking he found his guy he asked the third, "What is the fastest thing you know." He replied "Diareah, before you can think, blink or turn on the light you've messed your pants."
-
before you can think, blink or turn on the light you've messed your pants."
Thats a FACT! Been there, done that! Got the britches to prove it! :bigeyes:
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EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!
-
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ?Beer.?
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large ?kegs?. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that ?something bad? occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life?s savings, in a familiar scam known as ?a relationship.? In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as ?marriage.? Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ?Beer? scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up ?Golf Courses? in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click on web site below: give it just a second to load
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax?URL=http://www.brackenspub.com%2Fbeer.swf
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This has made the rounds, but it still applies...
Wal-Mart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks
into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they
twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the
younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? ... Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think
they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you
got laid twice."
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Will I Live to See 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same
female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would
leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came
back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at
the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,
but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from
inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently,
she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead
planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she
was going to go with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed.
"I almost got caught yesterday."
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Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and
was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that
her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she
was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking
a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her
no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends
because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing ?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!
I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next
to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the
Republican party."
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Brunette Meets Genie
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have".
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-through's, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini please".
Again it was superb. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir" .
Th is time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
The robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ" .
This time the man drawled out, "Uh... About 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...
A-R-E........ Y-O-U-R......... P-E-O-P-L-E..........
G-O-I-N-G.........T-O........ N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E..........
H-I-L-L-A-R-Y-?????
-
Statistics
Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
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Brad and Jimmy,
Both were pretty good.
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There are some really good jokes in here... wish I could remember them when I want to use em, but never can..
David .. you avatar is hilarious. that's a joke in itself.
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A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses."
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I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)...
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here
that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is
why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in
the street licking my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.
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Saddam obit completed: hussein was predeceased by two sons, uday and qusay, and is survived by 15 sons: Sooflay, a restauranteur; Guday,who lives in australia;Huray, asports fanatic; Sashay, who is gay; Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in africa; Sayhay, a baseball player; Ojay, a stalker and murder; Gulay a singer and enteretainer; Ebay, an internet entrepreneur; Billray, a country music star; Ecksray, a radiologist; Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders; Raygay, who lives in jamaica; and tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters: Lattay, a coffee-shop owner; Bufay, a big eater; Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company; Phayray, an actress; Sapheway, a grocery store owner; Ollay, who lives in mexico; and Gudlay, a prostitute. there is reportedly another surviving son, oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family.
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You forgot Noway who has no sence of direction and Search teams are still looking for him. :agree:
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this has turned into a realy good read :brows:
pepper I love that one :applaudit:
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now."
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Heaven is my home, BUT I aint homesick yet! :applaudit: That was a good one!
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A priest and a pastor from the local town were pounding a sign into the side of the road. The sign read "The end is near, turn yourselves around before it is too late!"
When a car sped by and the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" The car drove around the corner and the pastor and priest suddenly heard screaching tires and a big splash.
They looked at each other and shrugged. The priest asked "should the sign just read Bridge Is OUt?"
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Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ... She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s--t it can no longer fly.
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Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women... #10. you can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. you can keep one gun at home and have anther for when you're on the road. #8 If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.#7 your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. #6 your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5 A gun dosen't take up a lot of closet space. #4 Guns function normally eveny day of the month. #3 A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?"#2 a gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. and the number one reason a gun is favored over a women... #1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
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Good one Larry :applaudit:
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yeah hee hee......... NOT FUNNY :applaudit:
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That was the best one in a while Larry. :bowdown:
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
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Larry & Dave brought the funny back.
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Pick up lines.......
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs....what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
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"Hi, didn't we go to different high schools together"?
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One Monday morning a mailman was walking the negihborhood on his usa l route. As he aproached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles. "Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented. Bob in obvious pain replies,'Actually we had it saturday night. this is the first time i've felt like moving since 4:00 pm sunday. We had fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for christmas cheer and it got a bit wild. hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I ?"The mialman thought a moment and said, How do you play that? "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing thoguh a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." the mailman laughed and said, Damn,I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a goog thing you did," Bob responded, 'YOUR NAME CAME UP FOUR OR FIVE TIMES..."
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Not a joke, but I thought it was funny anyway.
(http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p105/farmboyYJ/paperadd.jpg)
(http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p105/farmboyYJ/bush.jpg)
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Oarzks Ten Commandments.
{1} JUST ONE GOD.
{2}HONOR YER MA & PA.
{3} NO TELLIN' TALES OR GOSSIPIN'.
{4}GIT YOURSELF TO SUNDAY MEETIN'.
{5} PUT NOTHIN' BEFORE GOD.
{6}NO FOOLIN' AROUND WITH ANOTHER FELLOW'S GAL.
{7} NO KILLIN'.
{8}WATCH YER MOUTH.
{9} DON'T TAKE WHAT AIN'T YERS.
{10}DON'T BE HANKERIN' FOR YER BUDDY'S STUFF.
NOW THAT'S KINDA PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
Y'ALL HAVE A NICE DAY
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Official Announcement:
Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two rednecks sitting
in a used chevy pick up.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?
"Oh heck no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."
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Subject: Two Ladies In Heaven.
Two Ladies In Heaven.
1st, woman: Hi My name is Wanda.
2nd. woman : Hi My name is Sylvia, How'd you die?
1st. woman: I Froze to Deth.
2nd. womn: How Horrible!
1st. woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd. woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st. woman: So, what happened?
2nd. woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over he house looking. I ran up into he attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st. woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive!
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An 85 year old man went to his doctor for a physical. As part of the physical the Doctor wanted a sperm count. He handed the older man a jar and said, " Take this home and fill it and bring it back tomorrow."
The next day the man brought the jar back empty. The Doctor asked "did you have trouble filling it?"
The gentleman said "no, first I tried my right hand and then my left hand.
Then my wife tried with her right hand and left hand. Then she tried with her teeth and once without her teeth.
We even called the neighbor lady, she tried with both hands."
The Doctor was shocked and asked "you had your neighbor try?"
"Yes," he replied
"Well, what seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor
" Well, sir none of us could get the Jar opened."
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Oh Jeez! Is that what I got to look fwd to when I get old? Unable to open jars?? :applaudit:
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A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the
courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went
by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair,
went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and
sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat
there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably
shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with
you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy
today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say
stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."
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Dude, that was freaking awesome. I know of a couple of professors that I had in college that I would love to see that done to. Athiest bastards!!!! Anyway, I liked it. Found this one earlier today.
FREEZING HANDS
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
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hehe, Yeah . . . my ears are freezing, lol!
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a Blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair -- given that you are blind --that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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OUT-HOUSE HUMOR
MA AND PA ARE TWO HILLBILLIES LIVING OUT ON A FARM.
PA HAS FOUND OUT THAT THE HOLE UNDER THE OUT-HOSUE IS FULL.
HE GOES INTO THE HOUSE AND TELLS MA THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO EMPTY THE HOLE.
MA SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK THE YOUNG'N DOWN THE ROAD? HE MUST BE SMART 'CAUSE HE'S A COLLEGE GRADJYATE."
SO PA DRIVES DOWN TO THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE AND ASKS HIM, "MR. COLLEGE GRADJYATE, MY OUTHOUSE HOLE IS FULL, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO EMPTY IT."
THE YOUNG'N TELLS HIM, "GET YOURSELF TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE, ONE WITH A SHORT FUSE AND ONE WITH A LONG FUSE.
PUT THEM BOTH UNDER THE OUTHOUSE LIGHT THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.
THE FIRST ONE WILL GO OFF AND SHOOT THE OUTHOUSE IN THE AIR.
WHILE IT'S IN THE AIR THE SECOND WILL THEN GO OFF AND SPREAD THE POOP ALL ACROSS YOUR FARM, FERTILIZING YOUR GROUND.
THE OUTHOUSE SHOULD THEN COME BACK DOWN TO THE SAME SPOT ATOP THE NOW-EMPTY HOLE."
PA THANKS THE NEIGHBOR, THEN DRIVES TO THE HARDWARE STORE AND PICKS UP TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE, ONE WITH A SHORT FUSE AND ONE WITH A LONG FUSE.
HE GOES HOME AND PUTS THEM UNDER THE OUTHOUSE. HE THEN LIGTS THEM AND RUNS BEHIND A TREE.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, MA COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE HOUSE AND INTO THE OUTHOUSE!
OFF GOES THE FIRST STICK OF DYNAMITE... SHOOTING THE OUTHOUSE INTO THE AIR BOOM! OFF GOES THE SECOND STICK OF DYNAMITE , SPREADING POOP ALL OVER THE FARM.
WHAM! THE OUTHOUSE COMES CRASHING BACK DOWN ATOP THE HOLE...
PA RACES TO THE OUTHOUSE. THROWS OPEN THE DOOR AND ASKS, "MA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
AS SHE PULLS UP HER BLOOMERS SHE SAYS...
"YEAH, BUT I'M SURE GLAD I DIDN'T BREAK WIND IN THE KITCHEN !
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher." :beerchug:
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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name,address,socal secrity number,etc. and the asks, "What is your occupation?"
I'm a whore." she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says,"No,No,No, that won't work. LETS TRY TO REPHRASE THAT."
The woman says ,OK,I'm a high-end call girl".
"No that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, I'm an elite Chicken farmer."
The accountant asks."What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?.
"Wel, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is ."
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An old Italian man lived alone in the country, He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie
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That was smart thinking!! Great joke.
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Let the jokes be read once again. The BOD has decided to bring this thread back, so ENJOY.
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FYI: drama, pages 1 and 2, eradicated, by me.
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Yippee!!
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Two Blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a
little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "ya
know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die
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A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas... Sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer !!
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
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Your first joke was really funny and is that tail cotton? :agree:
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holy Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
w ere living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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-- I got this in an email and thought that it was funny/interesting --
Evolution
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two
most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were
the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into
two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals and 2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled
at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives
came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make
the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get more
for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to
more liberals just to piss them off.
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:usflag:
:applaudit: :applaudit: :bounce: :applaudit: :bounce: :applaudit:
great one!!!!!
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*Changed the words in "quotes" to make this forum friendly*
A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, "forget" you?'"
The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, "forget" you.'"
"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, " I think I just wiped my "rear"with your parrot."
-
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns,
dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"
I still don't know if she was joking.........
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Ed was in Trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him,"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
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Guinness Book of Records
SLEEPING BEAUTY, TOM THUMB AND QUASIMODO
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.'
Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'
Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.'
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially the smallest person in the world.'
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, 'Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?
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very funny!! i like it
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An old man and his wife went to bed. After a few minutes, the old man lets out a loud fart and says, ?One nil.?
His wife rolls over and asks, ?What in the world was that?
The old man says, ?A goal. I?m ahead one nil.?
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, ?Goal! One all.?
The old boy farts again. ?Goal! I?m ahead 2-1 now.?
Starting to get the hang of it, the wife quickly farts again and says, ?Goal! 2 all.?
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and craps in the bed.
The wife asks, ?Now what in the world was that??
The old man replies, ?Half time, switch sides!?
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, "you're looking good, how are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.
"They won't let me fart."
-
A Chinese couple get married, she's a virgin and, truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My
darring, "he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu
I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you
wan, Wha you wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try
somethin I hear abou...numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled
tone he queries...
"You wan... Chicken wi broccori?"
-
What do you call a group of rabits, lined up in a row and walking backwards?
A receiding hare-line!
-
Don't know if this one has been posted or not but I died laughing when I read this one today! Enjoy! :agree:
JAMAICAN SANDALS
A married couple walked into a tourist shop.The Jamaican said to them, "I
have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make
you wild at sex. Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in,and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming,
"You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on de, wrong feet!" :bigeyes:
-
A girl askes her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents and tells him that since it was such a big event, she would like to make love afterward.
The boy was excited and raced to a pharmacy to buy condoms. He told the parmacist it was his first time to have sex so the pharmacist spent an hour explaining about condoms, how to use them and the importance of safe sex.
When the boy went to the register to pay, the pharmacist asked the boy do you want a two pack, a ten pack or a family pack? The boy replied a family pack as I am definately going to be very busy.
That night he showed up at the girls house and they sat down for dinner. He offered to say the prayer and bent his head to say grace. After about a half an hour the girl leaned over and said I had no idea you were so religious and the boy replied I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.
-
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear. The doctor looks up and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
-
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher. His dad asks "What's the note about?"
Johnny said "It goes like this"
Teacher said "Johnny, What is 2+2?"
I said "2+2 are 4"
Teacher said " 2+2 IS 4"
Dad says "What's the f@#$ing difference?"
Johnny says "That's what I said!"
-
Expected Mergers:
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale,Mary,Fuller,Grace.
2)Polygram Records, Warner Bros.,and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly,Warner Cracker.
3)3Mwill merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGOOD.
4)Zippo Manufacturing,Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
Zip Audi Do Da.
5)FedEx is expected to joins its competitor, UPS,and become:
FedUP.
6)Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7)Gery Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8) Kontts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Kontt NOW.
AND FINALLY...
9)Victorias's Secret and Smith Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang.
-
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decide to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she counldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married amd committed my life to her sister.
Well, Iwas in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, JUST COME AND GET ME." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my furture father-in-law hugged me and said, we are verry happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!!!
-
Brown Derby was going to buy Tokyo Sauna and change their slogan from "Liquor for Less" to "Lick Her for Less".
-
Guess which organization it is. NBA, NFL......?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have b een accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71
cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
It's not the NFL
It's not the NBA or MLB
It's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.
The
same group of people that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
And they recently votrd themselves a $15,000 a month pension for life after serving just one term!
-
Crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know,
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1957, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything
so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2230 now."
(Don't y'all love military time?!)
-
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say " F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"
-
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke,
sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind --
that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot t all, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"
T he blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and mutters,
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-
FIVE SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other.
-
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he
typed:
P... E... N... I... S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
-
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything...
-
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, " about 2 hours" The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" the barber looked around the shop and said, "about 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said."About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He Keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop. laughing hysterically. The Barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves here?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
-
AHHH HAAA HAA HAAAA Thats great!! I'm rolling!!!
-
There were two Amish women walking in a potato field one day. One of them looks down at a potato and says to the other, "That potato right there reminds me of my husbands nuts"
The Other woman (shocked) responds:
"My God your husbands nuts are that big"
The first woman responds, "Nope they're that dirty"
-
One day a duck walks into a feed store and says "Got any duck feed?" The owner says "No, we don't carry duck feed." So the duck comes back the next day and says "Got any duck feed?" Again the owner says "No!" Next day here comes the duck, "Got any duck feed?" The owner says "Look, I've told you before that we don't have any duck feed and we never will. Now if you come in here and ask for duck feed again I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor." So a couple days later the duck comes back and say "Got any nails?" "No" says the owner. "Got any duck feed?"
-
You gotta love Robin. Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
ROBIN WILLIAMS' PLAN...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here' s one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ' ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave . We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediatel y, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for awhile .
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil produc ing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to
the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language w e speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York " in Arabic...
-
Mexico, Hurricane Dean
A Big Hurricane Dean with the strength of 150 miles hour hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined. The government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God bless America!!!
-
Nice Jimmy....
-
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant
and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the
wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and
she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking
around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what
is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
"Chicken Surprise."
"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."
-
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
(Actual writings from hospital charts)
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
-
Real Classified Ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Husband knows everything.
-
I felt a little bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline
I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan
I explained I was feeling suicidal
They were very excited with this news and wanted to know if I
could drive a truck or fly an airplane...
-
Jim I'm available anytime to be one of your pall bearers!
-
Thanks Aaron, I can always count on you.
-
Two business men in New York City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready with only a few shelves set up.
One says to the other, 'I'll bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the South walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're ya'll sellin' here?'
One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling a$$holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!'
NEW YORKERS (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS
-
THREE GUYS
A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American Marine are walking together one day. They come across the proverbial lantern
and a Genie pops out of it.
" I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says,"I am a farmer,my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada
POOF! Wtih a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said,"I want an impenetrable wall around Afgamistan,Iraq and Iran with all believers of
Mohammad inside and all Jews,Americans, and other infidel forever outside our precious state.
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..
The American Marine asks,"I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall'.
The Genie explains,"Well,it's 5000 fett high, 500 fett thick and completely surrounds these countries. Lt's virtually impenetrable.
Now what is your wish?"
The American Marine smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
POOF!!!!
-
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. ?You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all?
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
-
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
-
Subject: Healthly living????
I know you'll like these answers...
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ...
Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand,
strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and
screaming
"WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
-
July 8, 1947 !!!!
Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New
Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered
up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Certainly hope this piece
of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me
-
ahahaha. Good one.
-
Parable of the Ant and the Grasshopper
>
> TRADITIONAL VERSION:
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
> house
> and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a
> fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant
> is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies
> out
> in the cold.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> MODERN VERSION:
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
> house
> and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a
> fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
>
> Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
> demands
> to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and
> starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
> shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
> with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
> How
> can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
> allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the
> grasshopper,
> and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
>
> Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the
> news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has
> the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Nancy
> Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King
> that
> the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for
> an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
>
> Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
> retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing
> to
> hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay
> his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary
> gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
> against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges
> that
> Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
>
> The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing
> up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
> which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because
> he
> doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper
> is
> found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is
> taken
> over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.
>
-
Keith, that is a great story and joke!! one of my favorites! :)
-
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf?
-
A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He
would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to
reply, Bang! One less insurgent! After every mission the company
commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed,
he reported "Five killed and I let one go." "Let one go?" roared the
company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood
up and yelled 'Hillary is a b!tch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
-
Brand new edition of: "You might be a redneck if ......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does 100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
-
20 Things you can only say at Christmas ...
1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
-
Wise words for my water and wine drinking buddies.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of the Escherichia coli (E.coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service
-
Hence the "need" for Jesus and his desciples to turn water into wine.
-
Picture this.....
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
> was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm
> off now. The man should be here soon."
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
> Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
>
> "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
> expecting you."
>
> "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my specialty?"
>
> "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
> a seat".
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun. You can really spread out here."
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
> and me!"
>
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
> we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
> angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
> In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
> that."
> "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
> "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to work with."
>
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get
> a good look"
>
> "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
> "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
> too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
> to pack it all in."
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
> your,uh...equipment?"
>
> "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> and we can get to work right away."
>
> "Tripod?"
>
> "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long."
>
>At this point Mrs Smith fainted !!
-
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any
other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas
tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right
NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE:
Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
pay.
-
If you ever think you don't need/want your dear sweet wife along on a trail ride:
This could happen to YOU
(http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i219/tanyj/tractor.jpg)
-
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Sutton retired, Mrs. Sutton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Sutton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Sutton was like most women--she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Sutton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Sutton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Sutton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least....
15.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards,
Walmart
-
LMBO! good one Dick.
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY hi storical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
-
I'm glad to see that his thread has continued. I have gotten some good laughs out of this. Thanks.
-
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and
I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place
in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a Jeep. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think
was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.
December 20
Electricity' s back on, but had another 14" of the **** stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.
December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow
I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my
broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head
with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
**** idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my
pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
-
Jim, is that why you left Pittsburg?
-
Jim, is that why you left Pittsburg?
Keith, That would be part of it. But I do miss my family and friends in Pittsburgh.
-
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
>>
>>
>>
>> It out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
>> someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
>>
>>
>>
>> Phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
>>
>>
>>
>> A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I
>> please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in
>>
>>
>>
>> My ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on
>> me.
>> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude
>>
>>
>>
>> When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
>>
>>
>>
>> Had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with
>> her, I
>> decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the
>> phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
>>
>>
>>
>> I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
>>
>>
>>
>> In my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
>> a
>> really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
>> cheered me up.
>>
>>
>>
>> When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
>> would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this
>>
>>
>>
>> Is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
>>
>>
>>
>> Familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the
>> phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
>> asshole!" and hung up.
>>
>>
>>
>> One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
>>
>>
>>
>> Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>> patiently
>>
>>
>>
>> Waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
>> spot,
>> but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back
>> window,
>> so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right
>>
>>
>>
>> After calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I
>> thought
>> that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
>>
>>
>>
>> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it
>> is."
>> I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at
>> 34
>> Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked
>> right
>> out in front."
>>
>>
>>
>> I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked,
>> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening
>> after five."
>>
>>
>>
>> I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>>
>>
>>
>> He said, "Yes?"
>>
>>
>>
>> I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
>>
>>
>>
>> Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I
>> said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you
>> still
>> there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make
>> me,"
>> He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah?
>> Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
>> Fairfax,
>> a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm
>> coming
>> over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
>>
>>
>>
>> Your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung
>> up.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He
>> yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He
>> exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's
>>
>>
>>
>> Your chance. I'm coming over right now."
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>> 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
>> my
>> gay lover.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
>> Blvd.
>> In Fairfax.
>>
>>
>>
>> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just
>>
>>
>>
>> In time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
>> of
>> six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
>>
>>
>>
>> NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
>>
-
Yeah that is pretty funny, good anger management stratiges. :78:
-
MORNING SEX
>
> She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked
> in;
> She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment."
> His
> eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to
> lose the
> moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the
> kitchen
> table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More
> than a
> little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
__________________
-
A husband sat for 4 hours lookin at his marriage certificate. His wife askd "What r u doin'?" He said, "lookin for the experation date on this mother fucker!!"
one more....
Why do women have 2 lips??
... so they can bitch with one and appologize with the other!!!
hahahahahaha
-
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.
'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?'
asked Bill.
'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there.'
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,
'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'
Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.'
They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over ''Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'
'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'
-
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each of his arms.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
'Nice pigs, Sir.'
The President replies 'These are not mere pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.'
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
'Excellent trade, Sir.'
-
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
(http://www.mediafire.com/imgbnc.php/f20e2c14c38de99a0f50c68f4c6fd09d4g.jpg)
'I outlived the b*tches.'
-
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... '
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH**! SIT YOUR A** DOWN, SHUT THE HE** UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN'T GOING TO A D**N BAR!
THAT S**T IS OVER , GOT IT, JA***SS?'
and....they lived happily ever after.
-
A husband and his wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husand picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart. 'what do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back,we can't afford them,'demands the wife and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautful,'replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'so does 24 cans of budweiser and its half the price.
[I wonder if he is out of the hospital yet]
-
Rubbing Her The Right Way
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
-
what shall we call the baby joke text
Mother says to daughter: If a boy is getting to frisky, just stop and ask "What will we call the baby?"
That's a good idea the girl thinks, so she tries it out.
One day she is making out with a boy and things start to get a little overheated. She stops and says "What are we gonna call the baby?" and the boy bails.
Great she thinks, this works well.
She keeps using this line for a few years till she gets to the point where she is wanting things to go 'too far' herself.
She is making out with her boyfriend on the banks of a fast moving river. Things are getting really racy, he puts on a condom and makes love to her.
When he is done, he takes it off, ties a knot in the end and throws it in the river.
Blissfully dazed and confused, she says 'What will we call the baby?'
He just laughs and says "Babe, if he can get out of that one we'll call him 'Houdini'!"
-
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
-
A Mall Order
An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.
They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.
The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.
The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."
-
Is That Mule For Sale
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'
'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'
-
Is That Mule For Sale
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'
'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'
Dave - Expect a bill for the following:
Keyboard
Monitor cleaning
Broken chair
Dr Office visit copay
approximately 5 seesions with a chiropractor for my already aching back
emergency room visit for when Kel reads this and hits me with something hard on the head
In other words - that's a funny one!
-
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figu red out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and n ot for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
-
Shipwrecked
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
And a sheepdog were washed up with him. Af ter looking around, he
realized That they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
Lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
The man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
But there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
Was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle Breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
Leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary Batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
-
The Gorgeous Woman
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
-
Jim was in trouble. He forgot his Wedding Anniversary. His
wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then
6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Jim got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put
on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Jim has
been missing since Friday.
-
NOT FOR KIDS... just for my buddy Brad!!
A man walking down the street sees a sign on the side walk " HAND JOB
$100" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady behind the counter "
"100 bucks for a hand job thats a rip off. "
She replies "Come over here see that BMW parked over there, I paid for
that in cash by my hand jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the best hand job he
has ever had.
Two weeks later he?s walking down the same street and sees another sign
that reads"BLOW JOB $250" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady
behind the counter"250 bucks for a blow job thats a rip off"
She replies "Come over here see that huge boat down on the harbor, I
paid for that in cash by my blow jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the most amazing
blow job he?s ever had.
Same man power walks down the street no sign this time, he walks
straight into the shop anyways.
He says to the lady "I?ve had you hand job and your blow job but this time i
want the full deal"
The lady replies "come over here" He moves over with a huge grin on his
face"See that huge mansion on the water front " he starts to nod his head
still with the stupid grin on his face , then she says
"Well if i had a pussy I could have paid for that in cash"
-
Harley Davidson and God
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle!'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!
'Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
-
Nice Keith.
-
BLIND DATE
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
-
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman,Motana, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing though from Lame Deer.another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslin and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The Cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks," at one time here, my people were many, but sadly now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "once my people were few," he sneers,"and now we are many. why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana Cowboy shifts his toohpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkess beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl....
"that 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but i do believe it's a-comin'."
-
I LOVE IT!!!
-
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either ."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
"God Bless America"
-
You amaze me...
=)) :77: :318_war: :snipersmilie: :sniper2: :239_app:
-
Michael was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
-
****MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE****
NICKNAMES:
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT:
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE:
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
* Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
-
That is my favorite one so far.
-
If Men Wrote The Rules...
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don?t want to dress like Victoria?s Secret girls, don?t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don?t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don?t rub the lamp if you don?t want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn?t need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we?re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, "This is our exit?" is not necessary.
12. Don?t fake it. We?d rather be ineffective than deceived.
-
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while
and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care
what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor
says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18
year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
-
MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED:
An old man, Mr Carter , was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,'said Mr.Carter.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,'Oh I'm so sorry, Mr Carter . Please
accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Carter was walking down the hall with his Private Parts hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.'Mr.Carter,' she said,'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.Carter.' I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes' said Nurse Tracy' you did tell me that.But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
[You'ce gotta love this.....]
Well.' he riplied,'Today is the viewing.'
-
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and
several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said
nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
-
There was a semi driver, just drivin down an old country road while it was rainin outside. All of a sudden his truck brakes down, so he goes to look for the nearest house to use a phone.Before knocking on the door he peers inside,and he sees an old lady in a rocking chair squeezing her titties and and old man standing infront of her holding an umbrella jacking off.The truck driver decides not to disturb them and goes to the next house.He looks in and sees a young woman.So he says??ok??.Well...he knocks and she answers the door,he says??may i use your phone?my truck is broke down and its raining,i was gonna use your neighbors phone but they seemed to be busy.??The lady then asks??oh really?what where they doing???So he then tells her..She says??Oh! thats the old deaf couple,she was telling her husband to go milk the cows,and the man was telling her,fuck you its raining??
-----------------------------
There was a happily wed husband and wife living in a small apartment who had sex every night, but never oral sex. The husband, who wanted to try oral sex with his wife, asked her, ?Honey, can you give me oral sex tonight please? We?ve never tried it before.?. The wife, upon hearing this shed a tear out of some unknown fear, the husband, now astonished, asked her beloved why she is crying. The wife replied ?I?m afraid that if I give you oral sex, you won?t respect me anymore.?, but the husband replied ?No honey, I?d never do such a thing, I promise.?. Relieved, the wife agrees to give her husband oral sex. Later in the evening, the couple begin to have oral sex for the first time. But as they were enjoying their moment, the neighbors phone begins to ring, in a bit of frustration the husband says ?pick up the phone cocksucker.?
-
THE ZIPPER:
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady casher walked up to him and siad, 'Your barracks door is open.'
Not a phase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said.'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his'barracks door.' He was planning to have a litte fun with her,so when he reached the counter he said,'when you saw my barracks door open,did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'
The lady[naturally smarter than the man] thought for a moment and said,'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'
-
5 Minute Management Course!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, t here stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Fol lowing the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
-
A Canadian friend posted this on a site elsewhere. These signs are posted around British Columbia.
(http://ihregistry.com/forum/messages/8/130643.jpg)
-
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend,
either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
You kown it's time to get a new car when---
The traffic reporter on the radio begins to refer to you by name.
You make a left turn and your date falls out.
You losethe stoplightcallenge;yo a 16 year old on a moped
-
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive shit.
-
BEST PICK UP LINE EVER
A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.
-
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
-
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_L6pDyjqqsvY/SJ86wNWhV9I/AAAAAAAAPuE/_OsNDFFMXvg/s400/obama+flop.jpg)
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch
the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine
(see #1).
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot'
- that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *^% YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
-
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
-
3 Hillbillies sitting around, shooting the breeze
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/9984/image004ae0.jpg)
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'Cuz she ain't got no pecker!!
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
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:21: =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Obama & McCain Ice Fishing!
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican
candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There
was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the
election.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest
take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch
for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of
the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten
fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just
having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch
up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama
came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said,
'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to
go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see
just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said
to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is he cheating?'
Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's
cutting holes in the ice.'
...Experience Counts
-
wonderful
-
4th Wedding
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel."
She continued, " My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Liberal," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
-
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the
seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was
out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She
came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that
time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally,
In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency
Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying
'Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before'.
The Doctor replied 'Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw
one FRAMED before.
-
There are two months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of 'all' Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Together, we can make it happen!
-
not sure if this doesn't belong in the politics section but here it is
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you?re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a ** put him up there to begin with.
-
beautiful
-
Critics say that Presidential candidate Barack Obama tries to "be all things to all people" and that he makes too many "pie-in-the-sky" promises. At a recent political rally, Obama tried to overcome these criticisms by emphasizing his commitment to principles. Afterwards, audience members lined up at a microphone to ask Obama questions.
The first person at the microphone said, "I oppose the war in Iraq. If you are elected, what will you do about that?"
"I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks of taking office," answered Obama. "All our troops will come home, and I will simultaneously make sure the Iraqi government is functioning and secure."
The second person in line said, "I'm an illegal alien. What will you do for people like me?"
"If I am elected," answered Obama, "every illegal alien will receive U.S. citizenship, free health coverage, and a scholarship to the university of your choice."
The third person in line said, "I'm a conservative. If elected, what will you do for me?"
"I'll send that first guy to Iraq, and the second guy back to Mexico."
-
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner ?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
____________________________________ ______________
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything t o him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyw ay, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stab bing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice groupi ng, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist
-
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
> over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
> partial sponge bath.
>
> 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
>
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
> to wash your upper body and feet.'
>
> He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
> black?'
>
> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
> worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
> back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
> his testicles in the other.
>
> Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
> Sir!'
>
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
> 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
> closely...............
>
> 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'
>
-
> The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that nname and askedeveryone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and tookher deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and allnight. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died fromexhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised hewould do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given nameuntil A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows... > > > > > > > >
You can't kill Two Birds > > > > > > > > with OneStone !!!
-
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man..
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted..!!!
-
Urinate
Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.
Sarah said, Cows have spots.
Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.
Carla said, Computers are electronic.
Bobby said, Urinate.
Mrs. Flebs said, Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.
Bobby said, Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.
-
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.'
Happy Halloween
-
nicely played. that was real belly shaker!!
-
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual furneral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the frist one.
Behind the first hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind, following the second hearse, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand it, his curiosity got the best of him. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied,"My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further,"but who is the second hearse back there?"
The man answered,"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can i brrow the dog?"
The man replied,"Get in line."
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I am against this kind of jokes, but i couldn't pass up on spreading it on.........
Obama, his wife and Oprah were on a plane flying across te country. Obama said, "I could drop 1, $100 bill out the plane and make one person happy." His wife says, "well i could drop 10, $100 bill out the plane and make 10 people happy." Oprah says, "well I could drop 100, $100 dollar bills out the plane and make 100 people happy."
The pilot looks at his partner and says, "oh yeah, well I could drop 3 loud mouthed niggers out of this plane and make 20 Million people happy."
I know that is just wrong, but I figured as much as everyone on here hates him they would love that.
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Dave didn't I send that to you as a text message?
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yes buddy you did
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The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other s hoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
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Lost Churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana
aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.
The interviewee was asked if the complete devastation of the
churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied,
"I don't know about all those other peoples, but we
haven't gone to Churches in years.
We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless
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Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!
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Condom Size Tester
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg.
If you break his wing, I'll break your arm.
Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
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Future president Obama contacted Fox tv stations and told them they were not showing enough Black people on there scheduled programing. Fox responded and said fine we'll show two episodes a day of COPS.
I know this is not politically correct but i thought i would share. :spanking:
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^^ good one Jeeper guy ^^
Pillsbury Doughboy Dead at 71
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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An oldie but a goodie...
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Grand Rapids, MI.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The Original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted"
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy sh_t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy..
Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili . . .
Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick, Needs more beans Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I"m getting sh_t-faced from all of the beer.
Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic . . .
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover . . .
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended whin I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm buring my lips off? It really p_sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety . . .
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh_t myself when I farted and I?m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili . . .
Judge #1 -- A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 -- Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn?t feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My Pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach...
Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 -- The final entry is a good, Balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili???
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Nice Bobby... reminds me of having chili in Texas!
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That is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I had to stop half way in order to get a tissue for my eyes, I was crying so hard. Someone walked into my work and I had to get up and wait on them and they looked at me with this weird face, probably wondering why I guy my size is setting in front of the computer crying. I give it a 10 .... a !@#$%^& 10!!!
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well I have lost track of this thread so sorry if this is a repost....
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying
to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she
was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs
and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
> On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See--I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'Its Keith, The midget.'
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THE SENSITIVE MAN
>
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but
she is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
She doesn't mention this to him though.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh m y God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
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How are you doing?
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........
You got Nice house'
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Maybe Alex can help me out on this one, I'm an engineering student and Alex is an engineer and I don't see him turning down the trim for the bike either!
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I'd take both and sell the bike for beer money. :beer:
She didn't say you could only take one...
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The Dead Cow and Vet School
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were
receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary
to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
said, 'The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.
-
The Iranian Air Defense Radar (part of Iran 's military) requires all
aircraft crossing Iranian territory to give them a 10 minute "heads
up" that
they plan to enter Iranian air space. After making contact with the
Iranians, the common procedure is for commercial aircraft to give them their
call sign, transponder code, type of aircraft, point of origin, and
destination.
A Marine aircraft flying from Europe to Dubai overheard this conversation on
the emergency frequency 121.5 near Dubai . It went something like this:
Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location), you are in Iranian
airspace. Identify yourself."
Unknown Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft and I am in IRAQI
airspace."
Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Unknown Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine F/A-18 fighter jet.
Send
'em up; I'll wait!"
Air Defense Radar: (No Response)
-
Our troops in Afghanistan prove
they've retained their sense
of humor with the following:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and
$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left
hand, but consider bacon"unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't
declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think
every man should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your
neighbor's goat
-
good ones roger
-
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
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Obama is in office... and lookie what I got!
(http://www.texasoffroad.net/albums/lonestar/album208/1233785028123_G.sized.jpg)
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
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Well since we had chili cookoff saturday and this joke came up a few times i thought i'd BTT it... thanks BOBBY.
An oldie but a goodie...
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Grand Rapids, MI.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The Original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted"
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy sh_t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy..
Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili . . .
Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick, Needs more beans Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I"m getting sh_t-faced from all of the beer.
Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic . . .
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover . . .
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended whin I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm buring my lips off? It really p_sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety . . .
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh_t myself when I farted and I?m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili . . .
Judge #1 -- A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 -- Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn?t feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My Pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach...
Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 -- The final entry is a good, Balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili???
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Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shoot,' the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room.
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(http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/EPH/8792~Whipped-Cream-Posters.jpg)
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man were walking along one day when the Jewish man hit the Chinese man. "What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor." the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
The Chinese man then punches the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same!"
-
It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I know is, I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, ʽHas anyone seen the spade or the hoe." The next thing I knew I was fired.
-
To Women everywhere, from the Men who have had enough!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it
up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.
2. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us anymore --
we refuse to answer.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. And don't
ask us what we ARE thinking about unless you're prepared to
discuss such subjects as belly button lint or monster trucks.
5. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the tides:
there's nothing you can do about it. And shopping isn't a sport,
never was a sport and never will be a sport.
6. When we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's
get going already!
7. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Most guys own
just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be any good at
choosing which of YOUR 30 pairs goes well with that dress?
8. Crying is blackmail. [Blackmail is cheating. Men don't like people
who cheat. See #5.]
9. Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear
on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work,
really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about
it, just come right out and ask us. [And by the way, the answer is
probably "no".]
10. We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays,
anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the
calendar.
11. Trust me on this, standing up while peeing makes it much harder to
aim. We're bound to miss sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
12. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any
question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we DO. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that recurs every night is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. [Unless there's
fighting in it.]
16. Check your dang oil. [And if your car makes a "funny noise", say
something now -- don't wait until it gets worse. And it ALWAYS
gets worse.]
17. It is not in your best interest or ours to take that magazine quiz
together. It doesn't matter which magazine or which quiz.
18. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. [Really.]
20. Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. [As
my old friend Rich used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get
your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an
appetite, OK?]
21. You can either tell us to do something -or- tell us how to do
something, but not both.
22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
23. All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And
life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into
"pretty much white."
24. When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?
-
NEW ICE CREAM
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, " Barocky Road ".
Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.
The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $1000.00 per scoop to be paid for over the next 99 years.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.
Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
Aren't you feeling stimulated?
-
I got this in a text the today and thought that I needed to share it. It might belong in the political thread though.
They said that pigs would fly when a blcak man became president. After 100 days of his term... bam!!! SWINE FLU!!
get it?? lol
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THREE KIDS FISHING
>
>
> Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
> fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the secret service agents could get to him, 3 kids rescued him from the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Barak said, "no problem i'll take you there on my special presidential airplane."
The second kid said, "I'll take a new pair of Nike Air Jordans."
Barak replied, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them for you."
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheel chair with a built in tv, and stereo headset."
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, "but you don't look like your handicapped."
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
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I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)
event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas, if
anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 1,000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time.
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I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)
event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas, if
anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 1,000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time.
Hopefully someone will post a video on youtube! 8)
-
(http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/imagesbatmansnc_small.jpg)
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holy $--t batman. I didn't know you were so strong.
-
Good morning Robin ;)
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IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but it never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.
'Look Paddy there's that idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it!
Hmmm ...
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Guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald
Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago "
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
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(http://img2.pict.com/57/8a/1d/1396359/0/tnnk2.jpg)
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A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kimosabe, look
towards sky; what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
appears to be
Approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it
Seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,
Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo dung. Someone stole tent.'
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(http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y147/alarose41/weddingannouncement.jpg)
(http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y147/alarose41/weddingphoto.jpg)
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18, she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they...'
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(http://www.geeksaresexy.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/facebookmom3.jpg)
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A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
; "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
-
Jimmy, I think that is the funniest joke i have heard in a long time.
-
There are A LOT of good ones in this thread, but man it's gotten so big would take you 3 weeks to read them all. LOL
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Yeah 20 pages of jokes is gunna take a while to read. I'll have to look for some good ones through the pages.
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In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut),
people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago 's inner city residents
(almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have
enjoyed sex in the shower.
...The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
-
Guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the...
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
; "May I see your identification, please?" asked the...
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v250/stinger871/Chief%20Planet/repost.jpg)
Come on Jimmy, I expect more from an interweb master such as yourself. I know this thread is long, but it was only one page back... >:D
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The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
Iraqi Air Force motto:
I came I saw Iran
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v250/stinger871/Chief%20Planet/repost.jpg)
Come on Jimmy, I expect more from an interweb master such as yourself. I know this thread is long, but it was only one page back... >:D
My bad.
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Not sure if this is a repost. If it is sorry and I will delete. Thought it was funny and don't have time to look right now.
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
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MAKING SENSE
A Tennessee couple -- Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this? Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was a Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican Baby because neither of them could speak Spanish!!
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THE LUCKY HAT
My husband Joe and I were going through a divorce.
Joe decided he wanted to give it another try if I was willing to take
some interest in his hobbies and said he would do the same for me.
So hopeful of saving our marriage, I immediately said "yes"!
Joe invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it...the first time ever.
I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me and being
the thoughtful man that he is, Joe even gave me an opening day present.
He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him.
I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat ....
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Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Regards,
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A young woman has identical twin boys, and gives them up for adoption. One baby boy went to a family in Egypt and they named him Ahmal. The second boy went to a family in Spain and they named him Juan. Years later Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responded "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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2010 Redneck List
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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Glad it warmed up. I was afraid this was gonna happen:
(http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x219/Liberty_Patriot/Random%20chit/Freezeyourwhat.jpg)
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
-
TOP 10 "OLD WEST" Phrases...
-
A Man's Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess....
'Will you marry me?'
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XD1ytdpebLU/Srr2Slk-p6I/AAAAAAAACAA/9bWnqo4x9NE/s400/snow+white.jpg)
The Princess said, 'NO!!!'
And the Prince lived happily ever after and worked on his Jeep, went 4wheeling, went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
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Thumbs up jimmy that's a good one.
(http://i825.photobucket.com/albums/zz175/Jeeper_guy/thumbsup.jpg)
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Mexican words of the day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
-
FARM KID in the ARMY
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges . They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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(http://i825.photobucket.com/albums/zz175/Jeeper_guy/snorkelsareliketurningadq4.jpg)
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^^^ thats awesome! >:D
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(http://i825.photobucket.com/albums/zz175/Jeeper_guy/hulahoopsyz7.jpg)
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(http://i825.photobucket.com/albums/zz175/Jeeper_guy/2009-05-19_105825_23.jpg)
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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he weren't ... But you know what a liar he is."
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A man was at Dillons the other day, and asked the young produce manager if he could buy a half a head of lettuce. The young man explained that he could only sell a whole head. The man persists, and asks to speak with the store manager. The boy says that he will speak to the manger. Walking into the back room, the boy says to the store manager 'Some ass wants to buy a half a head of lettuce', as he finishes his statement he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds 'and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half'. The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.
Later the manager says to the boy 'I was impressed in how you got out of that situation, we like people who think on their feet. Where do you come from?' 'Canada, sir' the boy replies. 'Well, why did you leave Canada' the manager asks.
The boy replies 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there. 'Really', the manger says, 'my wife is from Canada.' 'No kidding' the boy replies, 'who did she play for?'
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little b@$+@&d. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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Well, my 5 year old grandson told me that he had found a cat, but it was dead. I asked him how he knew it was dead. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move", he innocently answered. "You did WHAT?!!" I asked. "You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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A buddy of mine was sitting at home alone the other night. He hears a knock at the door, and two Greene County Deputies are standing on his porch. He asked them if there was a problem, and one of them asked if he was married and did he have a picture of his wife. He says sure, and shows them a picture of his wife. One of the deputies says "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck". My buddy says "I know, but she has a great personality and she's a real good cook".
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A buddy of mine from Texas writes 'While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4:00 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...'
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A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible.
No, wait...sorry... I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.
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For the RC haters out there!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkczroZ5yMI&feature=player_embedded
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Judy & I went to a new ice cream place the other night. As I groaned when I pulled myself up on the stool and ordered a Banana Split, the waitress asked 'Crushed Nuts?' 'No,' I said, 'Arthritis'.
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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I do not get it at home, but that is no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, with my promise that it won't ever happen again".
Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in, "I hate autospell! I meant "WIFI", not "wife".