15 Hour Nightmare at Flat Nasty 2014
Having delusions of grandeur along with the accompanying loss of cognitive ability, has led me to travel to Flat Nasty for their premier annual event ?The 15 Hour Nightmare?. For those fortunate souls that have retained their sanity, this event is a challenge run on several of the parks nastiest trails, for the reward of a raffle ticket. To further antagonize their victims, it is held after dark with a time limit. Not realizing that insanity is communicable, we infect several of our friends with the need to harm their possessions and develop sleep disorders.
Lorena and I arrive on Friday to sightsee and Re-familiarize ourselves to the park. Joe, David and friends are already there, so after confirming that they were contagious and ready to spread our affliction. We head in to see if we can break our jeeps and return ourselves to a semblance of sanity before the all night event. We head down to the Waterfall to start our self mutilations; my affliction must have been malignant, for it possessed me to leave my spare tire on giving me an excuse not to climb on any of the bears. Joe and David try hard to return to sanity on Baby Bear, but alas their disease was too strong. I next lead them to Black 18 to try to beat some sense into my affliction. I keep my group docile after each rock beating with subterfuge, telling them that that was the last obstacle and it was easier ahead. But alas even the giant boulders strewn along could not return us to normalcy. Even the damned need nourishment, so we return to camp for supper and to meet the other infected. Darren is already there and Derek is on his way, so soon we are all wallowing in our mass delusions and heading out for some more practice on the rocks in the dark. Not able to disqualify ourselves by catastrophic failure, even in the dark, we return to camp to gather our few wits left and hope that sanity will rise with the sun.
Saturday we prepare our rituals and linger about as we contemplate the depths of our irrationality. We return to the park to mark our territory by masticating rocks and dripping fluids all over the place, until lunch time. After lunch a siesta is called, but my inner demon is too strong to deny, so I sit quietly in my misery, bidding my time until it is time to attend the drivers meeting and get our symptom list. It starts with Up 15 to Up 13, but with a long line already formed we run the ditch to kill some time. Fortunately for Derek, his orbital valve dies giving him a reprieve and a return to partial sanity. Thinking that it might be resurrected with a rest, he climbs in with me to probe the depths of my insanity. 15 isn?t too tough, but there is a pile up on 13 forcing us to wait in line for an hour. We wait our turn and hope for a intervention, but it was in vain, for soon we are on deck and facing the ledge climb on 13. To give you an idea how difficult this climb is; when the Ultimate Truck Challenge was held on it; it took them half a day and they all had to winch. The only climbable line starts on the right side, you then have to off camber ledge drift across to the left, where if you slide off the lower ledge it?s a barrel roll to the bottom, you then have to bump over without falling off. With great spotting, by Derek, I make it unassisted. Several had to pull cable, but we all made it safe to the top where the judge punches our card. We return to check out Derek?s rig and still no change. With NO steering he was forced to return to camp for his tow rig and trailer. The girls take Derek?s rig back to camp and he jumps in with me, then we are off to the next trails. Up Bunny B to up Saber Bunny, we all make Bunny B without difficulty, but the ledge on Saber Bunny had a massive pileup, forcing us to wait in line over an hour. With very little movement we decide to bug out and wheel someplace else. We pass the headquarters where they were just setting out the Midnight chili and hotdog buffet, so we were first in line for that! It really hit the spot and soon we were on the trail to play on the waterfall. Darren and I climb Momma Bear and David and Joe climb Baby Bear where Joe?s jeep was able inject some sanity into Joe by breaking a steering link. We stop by Black 18 to watch the buggies hammer it for a card punch. Joe and David make a full return to sanity and leave us in our fantasy. Darren, Chris, Derek and I are still in the throes of our delusional state. When the line clears I diabolically convince them to help me get my punch. I zoom to the start and in a matter of seconds I am high centered on a big rock. Darren lets me use his jeep as a winch point and I?m off moving forward. He barely has time to turn around and I?m turtled again. With his help I?m over and lining up on the Buggy trap at the finish line. Derek has a plan and with some world class spotting, I make the last trap unassisted, but to save time I try to turn out and wedge on a boulder, where Darren again aids me. My card is filling up and now I am hopelessly drowning in my self delusions. We race to get to A6(A5) where we promptly get lost. We find another lost soul broke on the side of the trail and he sets us straight. We approach A6 and a nastier hill could hardly be imagined, stepped off camber ledges going up at a 60* angle. Oh yeah don?t forget covered in mud. Sanity blooms and we declare it unclimbable, but as we are leaving the lost soul passes us proclaiming A5 doable. Sanity wilts and we are quickly in hot pursuit of our new enabler. There is only one tough set of ledges, but they are mud slicked by traffic and we are out of time. We winch over and high tail it to the top, only to find the judges gone. The next trail is Jims Secrete and on the way there Darren finds the light and with returning sanity bugs out for camp. Derek and I are still hopelessly delusional and soon we have caught up with other lost souls. We fall in line and receive our punch and plead our case about A5 to receive that punch too. It is now 6am and the last trail is up 19. The lost souls we were following stop to watch, but soon we see the flower of sanity budding and reservation set in. There is no hope left for Derek and I as we make the first climb and watch buggies beat on the ledge to get over. Derek once again does the impossible and spots a line that I can do. We bounce over to collect our reward and limp back to the parking lot. With the thump thump thump of my bent driveshaft and the scent of gear oil in our noses, we are there, we have done it.
As it dawns towards the first day of the week the smell of breakfast pronounces the end of insanity and with the return of the ladies and kiddos, we are soon well on our way to a full recovery. Before long Joe, David and friend are there, with Darren and Chris close behind. We enjoy a hearty breakfast and remember the chasm so closely avoided, while we wait for the raffle to start. Derek wins a family pass for a year, yeah! Lots of nice prizes including led light bars and a full set of Pit Bull Tires, but alas for me, I only have the sense of pride that my chariot was able to return me safely to reason, at great cost to itself. It will take a transfusion of green to restore Rubijon to health, but a more worthy heep could hardly be found; for it took me there and back and was game for more.
