JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[Care Bear]

Your first joke was really funny and is that tail cotton? :agree:

[Bradman]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holy Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
w ere living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[OJTV8CJ]

-- I got this in an email and thought that it was funny/interesting --


Evolution  

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of

nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the

mountains during the summer and would go to the coast

and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two

most important events in all of history were the

invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The

 

wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were

the foundation of modern civilization and together

were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into

two distinct subgroups:

              1. Liberals and 2. Conservatives

 

 Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that

was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass

bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while

our early humans were sitting around waiting for them

to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

   

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals

to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This

was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative

movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled

at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by

showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the

sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the

beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these

liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest

became known as girliemen.

   

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the

domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,

group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting

to decide how to divide the meat and beer that

conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives

came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful

land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are

symbolized by the jackass.

   

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),

but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal

fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their

women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,

journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group

therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the

designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make

the pitcher also bat.

   

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat

and still provide for their women. Conservatives are

big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,

construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police

officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and

generally anyone who works productively.

   

Conservatives who own companies hire other

conservatives who want to work for a living.

 

   

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to

govern the producers and decide what to do with the

production. Liberals believe Europeans are more

enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the

liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were

coming to America They crept in after the Wild West

was tamed and created a business of trying to get more

for nothing.

   

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should

be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to

angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A

Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of  

the absolute truth of this history that it will be

forwarded immediately to other true believers and to

more liberals just to piss them off.

[Bradman]

:usflag:

 :applaudit:  :applaudit:  :bounce:  :applaudit:  :bounce:  :applaudit:


great one!!!!!

[cpj]

*Changed the words in "quotes" to make this forum friendly*


A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, "forget" you?'"
The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, "forget" you.'"
"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, " I think I just wiped my "rear"with your parrot."

[Bradman]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns,
dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking.........

[Bradman]

Ed was in Trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him,"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

[OJTV8CJ]

Guinness Book of Records

SLEEPING BEAUTY, TOM THUMB AND QUASIMODO

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.'

Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'

Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.'

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.  'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially the smallest person in the world.'

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, 'Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

[jpantleo]

very funny!!  i like it

[TanYJ]

An old man and his wife went to bed. After a few minutes, the old man lets out a loud fart and says, ?One nil.?

His wife rolls over and asks, ?What in the world was that?

The old man says, ?A goal. I?m ahead one nil.?

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, ?Goal! One all.?

The old boy farts again. ?Goal! I?m ahead 2-1 now.?

Starting to get the hang of it, the wife quickly farts again and says, ?Goal! 2 all.?

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and craps in the bed.

The wife asks, ?Now what in the world was that??

The old man replies, ?Half time, switch sides!?

[TanYJ]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, "you're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.
"They won't let me fart."

[cpj]

A Chinese couple get married, she's a virgin and, truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.
 
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
 undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My
 darring, "he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu
 I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you
 wan, Wha you wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
 will impress her.
 
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
 her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try
 somethin I hear abou...numbaa 69."
 
More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled
 tone he queries...
 
 
"You wan... Chicken wi broccori?"

[Care Bear]

What do you call a group of rabits, lined up in a row and walking backwards?

 A receiding hare-line!

[Jeepsters Wife]

Don't know if this one has been posted or not but I died laughing when I read this one today! Enjoy!  :agree:


JAMAICAN SANDALS

 A married couple walked into a tourist shop.The Jamaican said to them, "I
have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make
you wild at sex. Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"

 The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

 So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
 in,and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
 over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming,

 "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on de, wrong feet!" :bigeyes:

[Care Bear]

A girl askes her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents and tells him that since it was such a big event, she would like to make love afterward.  

The boy was excited and raced to a pharmacy to buy condoms.  He told the parmacist it was his first time to have sex so the pharmacist spent an hour explaining about condoms, how to use them and the importance of safe sex.  

When the boy went to the register to pay, the pharmacist asked the boy do you want a two pack, a ten pack or a family pack?  The boy replied a family pack as I am definately going to be very busy.  

That night he showed up at the girls house and they sat down for dinner.  He offered to say the prayer and bent his head to say grace.  After about a half an hour the girl leaned over and said I had no idea you were so religious and the boy replied I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.