JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[nuch]

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.  The doctor looks up and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

[crockettjb]

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher. His dad asks "What's the note about?"
Johnny said "It goes like this"
Teacher said "Johnny, What is 2+2?"
I said "2+2 are 4"
Teacher said " 2+2 IS 4"
Dad says "What's the f@#$ing difference?"
Johnny says "That's what I said!"

[CRAZY LARRY]

Expected Mergers:
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale,Mary,Fuller,Grace.

 2)Polygram Records, Warner Bros.,and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly,Warner Cracker.

3)3Mwill merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGOOD.

4)Zippo Manufacturing,Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
Zip Audi Do Da.

5)FedEx is expected to joins its competitor, UPS,and become:
FedUP.

6)Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7)Gery Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

Kontts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Kontt NOW.
AND FINALLY...
 
9)Victorias's Secret and Smith Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang.

[CRAZY LARRY]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decide to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she counldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married amd committed my life to her sister.
Well, Iwas in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, JUST COME AND GET ME." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my furture father-in-law hugged me and said, we are verry happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:



ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!!!

[LibertyPatriot]

Brown Derby was going to buy Tokyo Sauna and change their slogan from "Liquor for Less" to "Lick Her for Less".

[crockettjb]

Guess which organization it is. NBA, NFL......?

36
have been accused of spousal abuse


7
have been arrested for fraud




19
have b een accused of writing bad checks




117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at  least 2 businesses



3
have done time for assault


71
cannot
get a  credit card due to bad credit



14
have been arrested on drug-related charges


8
have been arrested for shoplifting


21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and


84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year


Can
you guess which organization this is?





It's not the NFL


It's not the NBA or MLB




It's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.

The
same  group of people that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
And they recently votrd themselves a $15,000 a month pension for life after serving just one term!

[YJ_Aaron]

Crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know,
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1957, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything
so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2230 now."


(Don't y'all love military time?!)

[Bradman]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say " F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[wag]

A blind man  wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to  a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he  yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde  joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a  very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says,
"Before you  tell that joke,
sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are  blind --
that you should know five things:

1. The  bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a  blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot t all, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black  belt in
  karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a  professional
weightlifter.
5. The  lady to your right is blonde and a professional  wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still  wanna tell  
that joke?"

T he blind man thinks for a  second, shakes his head,
and mutters,
"No... Not if I'm gonna have  to explain it five times."

[TanYJ]

FIVE SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other.

[TanYJ]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he
typed:

  P... E... N... I... S.

  His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

  *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[freds_94]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything...

[OJTV8CJ]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, " about 2 hours" The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" the barber looked around the shop and said, "about 3 hours." The guy left.

 A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said."About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He Keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop. laughing hysterically. The Barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves here?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[Care Bear]

AHHH HAAA HAA HAAAA Thats great!!  I'm rolling!!!

[cpj]

There were two Amish women walking in a potato field one day. One of them looks down at a potato and says to the other, "That potato right there reminds me of my husbands nuts"
The Other woman (shocked) responds:
"My God your husbands nuts are that big"
The first woman responds, "Nope they're that dirty"