JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[farmboy]

The Farmer's Daughters  
 
  There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and  and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.

[YellowTJ]

  "Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.

I must say this one was pretty funny

[farmboy]

Bubba Died in a Fire  
 
  Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

[YJ_Aaron]

Nothing like a good joke thread, anyone have anymore?

[DrLewall]

Nothing like a good joke thread, anyone have anymore?

Oh yeah, got a TON of em!

[cpj]

Wow this is a baaaaaaaad one.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any
specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Why yes, as a matter of fact we do, a brand new
drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst
Blue
Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "A Pabst Smir."

[DrLewall]

Yep..that was bad..here is one for everyone!

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN STORY THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY
MEMBERS OF BOTH PARTIES!


NOT ONLY THAT,  IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.  "Before you settle in,
it seems there is a problem.

We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell.  The doors open and he finds
himself in the middle of a green golf course.  In the distance
is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.  
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises.  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours
have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.  
Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:  "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends, dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.

"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and
we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable.  What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,  
"Yesterday we were campaigning......  Today you voted

[Care Bear]

Yes, you were right it is politically correct.  LOL

[farmboy]

Sexually Exhausted Jock  
 
  At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

[DrLewall]

Daddy's Little Girl

 Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells
 her father that they learned about the history of
 Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for
 a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will
 God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

 Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
 think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
 valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

 "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
 "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
 Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
 valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
 not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
 And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines
 to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd
 start going all over the place ... tell everyone how much
 he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

 Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter
 with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful
 thing I've ever heard." "I know," Thelma says, "and
 once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could
 blow his head off."

[Care Bear]

Hee Hee thats great!!!

[OldYJ]

I had saved this some years back even before I had a daughter but I lost. any way refound it and plan on using it in about 20 more years if I get my way 12 or so if the females in the house get thier s






Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______

Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain:
       ______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                        __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  __No
   pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

       father? _____________

       mother? _____________

       pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

       ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

       ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

       ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

       ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

       ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

[OldYJ]

one more for the new year


addy's Rules for Dating

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[farmboy]

Three Explorers Are Captured...    
 
         A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

    The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

    The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

    There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

    The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

[DrLewall]

love the daughter dating app! Wish I had a daughter just so I could use it!!  :agree: