JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[farmboy]

I'm glad to see that his thread has continued. I have gotten some good laughs out of this.  Thanks.

[upnover]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
 
  December 8
  6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and
  I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
  soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
 
  December 9
  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
  of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place
  in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled
  for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
  driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
  covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
  again. What a perfect life.
 
  December 12
  The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
  tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
  Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
  winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
  possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
 
  December 14
  Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
  makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
  by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
 
  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
  didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
  certainly get back in shape this way.
 
  December 15
  20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a Jeep. Bought snow tires
  for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
 
  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
  that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
 
  December 16
  Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting
  down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think
  was very cruel.
 
  December 17
  Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
 
  Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
  warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
  hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
  living room.
 
  December 20
  Electricity' s back on, but had another 14" of the **** stuff last night.
  More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
 
  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
  playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
  around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
  another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
  shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
 
  December 22
  Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
  crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
  me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
  poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too
  tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
  rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
 
  December 23
  Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
  decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why
  didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
  she's lying.
 
  December 24
  6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
  having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow
  I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my
  broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
  finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour
  and throws snow all over where I've just been!
 
  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
  presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
 
  December 25
  Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in.
  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
  snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head
  with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
  **** idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
  I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
 
  December 26
  Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
  She's really getting on my nerves.
 
  December 27
  Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14
  hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my
  pipes.
 
  December 28
  Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
 
  December 29
  10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
  That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
 
  December 30
  Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
  million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to
  shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went
  home to her mother. 9" predicted.
 
  December 31
  I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
 
  January 8
  Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
  Why am I tied to the bed?

[LibertyPatriot]

Jim, is that why you left Pittsburg?

[upnover]

Jim, is that why you left Pittsburg?

Keith, That would be part of it. But I do miss my family and friends in Pittsburgh.

[zuki]

Anger Management


 When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
>>
>>
>>
>> It out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
>> someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
>>
>>
>>
>> Phone call I'd forgotten to make.  I found the number and dialed it.
>>
>>
>>
>> A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris.  Could I
>> please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in
>>
>>
>>
>> My ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on
>> me.
>> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude
>>
>>
>>
>> When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
>>
>>
>>
>> Had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with
>> her, I
>> decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the
>> phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
>>
>>
>>
>> I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
>>
>>
>>
>> In my desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
>> a
>> really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
>> cheered me up.
>>
>>
>>
>> When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
>> would have to stop.  So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this
>>
>>
>>
>> Is John Smith from the telephone company.  I'm calling to see if you're
>>
>>
>>
>> Familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the
>> phone.  I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
>> asshole!" and hung up.
>>
>>
>>
>> One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
>>
>>
>>
>> Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>> patiently
>>
>>
>>
>> Waited for.  I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
>> spot,
>> but the idiot ignored me.  I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back
>> window,
>> so I wrote down his number.  A couple of days later, right
>>
>>
>>
>> After calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I
>> thought
>> that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
>>
>>
>>
>> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it
>> is."
>> I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at
>> 34
>> Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.  It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked
>> right
>> out in front."
>>
>>
>>
>> I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked,
>> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening
>> after five."
>>
>>
>>
>> I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>>
>>
>>
>> He said, "Yes?"
>>
>>
>>
>> I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
>>
>>
>>
>> Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I came up with an idea.  I called asshole #1.  He said, "Hello." I
>> said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you
>> still
>> there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make
>> me,"
>> He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah?
>> Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
>> Fairfax,
>> a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm
>> coming
>> over right now, Don.  And you had better start saying
>>
>>
>>
>> Your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung
>> up.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I called Asshole #2.  He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He
>> yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He
>> exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's
>>
>>
>>
>> Your chance.  I'm coming over right now."
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>> 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
>> my
>> gay lover.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
>> Blvd.
>> In Fairfax.
>>
>>
>>
>> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.  I got there just
>>
>>
>>
>> In time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
>> of
>> six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
>>
>>
>>
>> NOW I feel much better.  Anger management really does work.
>>

[Jeeper guy]

Yeah that is pretty funny, good anger management stratiges.   

[Bradman]

MORNING SEX
>
> She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked
> in;
> She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment."
> His
> eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to
> lose the
> moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the
> kitchen
> table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More
> than a
> little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
__________________

[farmboy]

A husband sat for 4 hours lookin at his marriage certificate.  His wife askd "What r u doin'?" He said, "lookin for the experation date on this mother fucker!!"


one more....


Why do women have 2 lips??

... so they can bitch with one and appologize with the other!!!

hahahahahaha

[LoneWolf]

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?'
asked Bill.

'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there.'

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,

'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'

Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.'

They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over ''Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'

'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'

[OJTV8CJ]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each of his arms.
 
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
'Nice pigs, Sir.'
 
The President replies 'These are not mere pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.'
 
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
'Excellent trade, Sir.'

[LoneWolf]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
 
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question.
 
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
 
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
 
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
 
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
 
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
 
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
 
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:

 



      'I outlived the b*tches.'
     

[OJTV8CJ]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies.
 
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
 
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
 
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
 
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12  different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
 
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... '
 
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
 
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'
 
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
 
'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
 
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
 
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH**! SIT YOUR A** DOWN, SHUT THE HE** UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN'T GOING TO A D**N BAR!

THAT S**T IS OVER , GOT IT, JA***SS?'
 
and....they lived happily ever after.

[CRAZY LARRY]

A husband and his wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husand picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart. 'what do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back,we can't afford them,'demands the wife and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautful,'replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'so does 24 cans of budweiser and its half the price.

[I wonder if he is out of the hospital yet]

[farmboy]

 Rubbing Her The Right Way   
 
  A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
 

[YJ_Aaron]

what shall we call the baby joke text

Mother says to daughter: If a boy is getting to frisky, just stop and ask "What will we call the baby?"
That's a good idea the girl thinks, so she tries it out.

One day she is making out with a boy and things start to get a little overheated. She stops and says "What are we gonna call the baby?" and the boy bails.

Great she thinks, this works well.

She keeps using this line for a few years till she gets to the point where she is wanting things to go 'too far' herself.

She is making out with her boyfriend on the banks of a fast moving river. Things are getting really racy, he puts on a condom and makes love to her.

When he is done, he takes it off, ties a knot in the end and throws it in the river.

Blissfully dazed and confused, she says 'What will we call the baby?'
He just laughs and says "Babe, if he can get out of that one we'll call him 'Houdini'!"