JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[YJ_Aaron]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

[farmboy]

A Mall Order   
 
  An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."
 

[farmboy]

Is That Mule For Sale


Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'

[OJTV8CJ]

Is That Mule For Sale


Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'

Dave - Expect a bill for the following:

Keyboard
Monitor cleaning
Broken chair
Dr Office visit copay
approximately 5 seesions with a chiropractor for my already aching back
emergency room visit for when Kel reads this and hits me with something hard on the head


In other words - that's a funny one!

[YJ_Aaron]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figu red out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and n ot for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[LoneWolf]

Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
And a sheepdog were washed up with him. Af ter looking around, he
realized That they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
Lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
The man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
But there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
Was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle Breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
Leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary Batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[farmboy]

The Gorgeous Woman
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

[Mrs. Derf]

Jim was in trouble. He forgot his Wedding Anniversary. His
wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then
6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Jim got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put
on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jim has
been missing since Friday.

[farmboy]

NOT FOR KIDS... just for my buddy Brad!!

A man walking down the street sees a sign on the side walk " HAND JOB
$100" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady behind the counter "
"100 bucks for a hand job thats a rip off. "
She replies "Come over here see that BMW parked over there, I paid for
that in cash by my hand jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the best hand job he
has ever had.
Two weeks later he?s walking down the same street and sees another sign
that reads"BLOW JOB $250" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady
behind the counter"250 bucks for a blow job thats a rip off"
She replies "Come over here see that huge boat down on the harbor, I
paid for that in cash by my blow jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the most amazing
blow job he?s ever had.
Same man power walks down the street no sign this time, he walks
straight into the shop anyways.
He says to the lady "I?ve had you hand job and your blow job but this time i
want the full deal"
The lady replies "come over here" He moves over with a huge grin on his
face"See that huge mansion on the water front " he starts to nod his head
still with the stupid grin on his face , then she says
"Well if i had a pussy I could have paid for that in cash"

[LibertyPatriot]

Harley Davidson and God

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.  God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle!'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

 

'Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'

[YJ_Aaron]

Nice Keith.

[farmboy]

BLIND DATE

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[CRAZY LARRY]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman,Motana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing though from Lame Deer.another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslin and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The Cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks," at one time here, my people were many, but sadly now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "once my people were few," he sneers,"and now we are many. why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana Cowboy shifts his toohpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkess beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl....

"that 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but i do believe it's a-comin'."

[farmboy]

I LOVE IT!!!

[saramelles]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.


When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either ."


The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,


"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

"God Bless America"