Author Topic: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.  (Read 94789 times)

Offline farmboy

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #195 on: 06/18/08 - 02:09PM »
You amaze me...
 =)) :77: :318_war: :snipersmilie: :sniper2: :239_app:
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline YJ_Aaron

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #196 on: 07/10/08 - 08:34PM »
 Michael was a single guy living at home with his father and working  in the
 family business.                         
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly  father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his  fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful  woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an  ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father  will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
 Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days  later, she became his stepmother.
                       
 Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Is it possible for a jeep to ever truely be finished?<br /><br />Only the dead have seen the end of war---Plato

Offline OJTV8CJ

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #197 on: 07/11/08 - 12:14PM »
****MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE****

NICKNAMES:
 
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Godzilla and Four-eyes.
 
EATING OUT:
 
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
MONEY:
 
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS:
* A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A  man would not be able to identify
more than 20 of these  items.
 
ARGUMENTS:
 
* A woman has the last word in  any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
FUTURE:
 
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
SUCCESS:
 
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
MARRIAGE:
 
* A woman  marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP:
 
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL:
 
* Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING:
 
* Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and  romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
 
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!       
I cut sheetmetal for free.  It's fixing it that get's expensive.

Offline why jay

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #198 on: 07/11/08 - 06:44PM »
That is my favorite one so far.
I am Joe the plumber.

Offline farmboy

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #199 on: 07/14/08 - 11:21AM »
If Men Wrote The Rules...
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don?t want to dress like Victoria?s Secret girls, don?t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don?t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don?t rub the lamp if you don?t want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn?t need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we?re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, "This is our exit?" is not necessary.

12. Don?t fake it. We?d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline YJ_Aaron

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #200 on: 07/21/08 - 02:29PM »
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while
and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care
what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor
says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18
year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
Is it possible for a jeep to ever truely be finished?<br /><br />Only the dead have seen the end of war---Plato

Offline CRAZY LARRY

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #201 on: 07/24/08 - 01:15AM »
MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED:

An old man, Mr Carter , was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,'said Mr.Carter.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,'Oh I'm so sorry, Mr Carter . Please
accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Carter was walking down the hall with his Private Parts hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.'Mr.Carter,' she said,'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.Carter.' I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes' said Nurse Tracy' you did tell me that.But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
[You'ce gotta love this.....]






Well.' he riplied,'Today is the viewing.'
Zombie brains; smells like fish taste like chicken.

Offline LoneWolf

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #202 on: 07/24/08 - 03:31PM »
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and
several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said
nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

EVERY NORMAL MAN MUST BE TEMPTED AT TIMES TO SPIT ON HIS HANDS, HOIST THE BLACK FLAG, AND BEGIN SLITTING THROATS.

Offline farmboy

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #203 on: 07/25/08 - 11:33AM »
There was a semi driver, just drivin down an old country road while it was rainin outside. All of a sudden his truck brakes down, so he goes to look for the nearest house to use a phone.Before knocking on the door he peers inside,and he sees an old lady in a rocking chair squeezing her titties and and old man standing infront of her holding an umbrella jacking off.The truck driver decides not to disturb them and goes to the next house.He looks in and sees a young woman.So he says??ok??.Well...he knocks and she answers the door,he says??may i use your phone?my truck is broke down and its raining,i was gonna use your neighbors phone but they seemed to be busy.??The lady then asks??oh really?what where they doing???So he then tells her..She says??Oh! thats the old deaf couple,she was telling her husband to go milk the cows,and the man was telling her,fuck you its raining??


-----------------------------


There was a happily wed husband and wife living in a small apartment who had sex every night, but never oral sex. The husband, who wanted to try oral sex with his wife, asked her, ?Honey, can you give me oral sex tonight please? We?ve never tried it before.?. The wife, upon hearing this shed a tear out of some unknown fear, the husband, now astonished, asked her beloved why she is crying. The wife replied ?I?m afraid that if I give you oral sex, you won?t respect me anymore.?, but the husband replied ?No honey, I?d never do such a thing, I promise.?. Relieved, the wife agrees to give her husband oral sex. Later in the evening, the couple begin to have oral sex for the first time. But as they were enjoying their moment, the neighbors phone begins to ring, in a bit of frustration the husband says ?pick up the phone cocksucker.?
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline CRAZY LARRY

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #204 on: 07/26/08 - 01:00AM »
THE ZIPPER:

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady casher walked up to him and siad, 'Your barracks door is open.'
Not a phase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said.'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his'barracks door.' He was planning to have a litte fun with her,so when he reached the counter he said,'when you saw my barracks door open,did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'
The lady[naturally smarter than the man] thought for a moment and said,'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'
Zombie brains; smells like fish taste like chicken.

Offline YJ_Aaron

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #205 on: 07/27/08 - 01:30PM »
5 Minute Management Course!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, t here stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.


The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'



Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Fol lowing the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Is it possible for a jeep to ever truely be finished?<br /><br />Only the dead have seen the end of war---Plato

Offline LibertyPatriot

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #206 on: 07/29/08 - 01:11AM »
A Canadian friend posted this on a site elsewhere.  These signs are posted around British Columbia.

I'd put something funny here, but you probably wouldn't get it anyway...

Offline CRAZY LARRY

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #207 on: 08/ 1/08 - 03:03AM »
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend,
either the car is new or the girlfriend is.



You kown it's time to get a new car when---
The traffic reporter on the radio begins to refer to you by name.
You make a left turn and your date falls out.
You losethe stoplightcallenge;yo a 16 year old on a moped
Zombie brains; smells like fish taste like chicken.

Offline LibertyPatriot

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #208 on: 08/ 5/08 - 04:48PM »
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,  Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
   
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive shit.
I'd put something funny here, but you probably wouldn't get it anyway...

Offline LibertyPatriot

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #209 on: 08/12/08 - 10:44AM »
BEST  PICK UP LINE EVER

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.
I'd put something funny here, but you probably wouldn't get it anyway...