Author Topic: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.  (Read 94905 times)

Offline LibertyPatriot

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #210 on: 08/12/08 - 09:55PM »

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
I'd put something funny here, but you probably wouldn't get it anyway...

Offline LoneWolf

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #211 on: 08/14/08 - 04:47PM »
EVERY NORMAL MAN MUST BE TEMPTED AT TIMES TO SPIT ON HIS HANDS, HOIST THE BLACK FLAG, AND BEGIN SLITTING THROATS.

Offline YJ_Aaron

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #212 on: 08/26/08 - 01:25PM »
9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch
           the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine
           (see #1).
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
            why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
            deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot'
            - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *^% YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
            is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.                 
Is it possible for a jeep to ever truely be finished?<br /><br />Only the dead have seen the end of war---Plato

Offline LoneWolf

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #213 on: 08/26/08 - 01:59PM »
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
EVERY NORMAL MAN MUST BE TEMPTED AT TIMES TO SPIT ON HIS HANDS, HOIST THE BLACK FLAG, AND BEGIN SLITTING THROATS.

Offline LoneWolf

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #214 on: 08/28/08 - 02:28PM »
3 Hillbillies sitting around, shooting the breeze



1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'Cuz she ain't got no pecker!!
EVERY NORMAL MAN MUST BE TEMPTED AT TIMES TO SPIT ON HIS HANDS, HOIST THE BLACK FLAG, AND BEGIN SLITTING THROATS.

Offline slurveysTJ

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #215 on: 08/29/08 - 12:39AM »
 A  driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .  Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.  They are asking for a $10 Million ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'
 

1999 Jeep XJ, stock with HP30 and C8.25. I'm sure more will come as the money comes.

Offline zuki

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94 YJ <br />03 Chevy ext 4x4 <br />88.5 samurai <br />82 chevy short bed 2wd <br />()_) ()_)-o-)_)

Offline derf1184

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #217 on: 09/ 5/08 - 04:53PM »
Obama & McCain Ice Fishing!


The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican
candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There
was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the
election.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest
take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch
for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of
the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten
fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just
having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch
up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama
came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said,
'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to
go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see
just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said
to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is he cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's
cutting holes in the ice.'



...Experience Counts

Offline farmboy

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #218 on: 09/ 8/08 - 04:39PM »
wonderful
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline OJTV8CJ

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #219 on: 09/ 8/08 - 07:02PM »
4th Wedding

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
 
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?  Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
 
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel."

She continued, " My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
 
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Liberal," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
I cut sheetmetal for free.  It's fixing it that get's expensive.

Offline slurveysTJ

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #220 on: 09/19/08 - 05:24PM »
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the
 seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was
 out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She
 came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
 she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
 not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that
 time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally,
 In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
 sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency
 Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
 free her.  Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying
 'Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before'.
 The Doctor replied 'Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw
 one FRAMED before.
1999 Jeep XJ, stock with HP30 and C8.25. I'm sure more will come as the money comes.

Offline slurveysTJ

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #221 on: 09/20/08 - 10:25PM »
There are two months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of 'all' Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Together, we can make it happen!
1999 Jeep XJ, stock with HP30 and C8.25. I'm sure more will come as the money comes.

Offline slurveysTJ

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #222 on: 09/26/08 - 06:36PM »
not sure if this doesn't belong in the politics section but here it is

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.


Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you?re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a **  put him up there to begin with.
1999 Jeep XJ, stock with HP30 and C8.25. I'm sure more will come as the money comes.

Offline farmboy

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #223 on: 09/27/08 - 11:28AM »
beautiful
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline farmboy

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Re: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.
« Reply #224 on: 09/27/08 - 11:34AM »

Critics say that Presidential candidate Barack Obama tries to "be all things to all people" and that he makes too many "pie-in-the-sky" promises. At a recent political rally, Obama tried to overcome these criticisms by emphasizing his commitment to principles. Afterwards, audience members lined up at a microphone to ask Obama questions.

The first person at the microphone said, "I oppose the war in Iraq. If you are elected, what will you do about that?"

"I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks of taking office," answered Obama. "All our troops will come home, and I will simultaneously make sure the Iraqi government is functioning and secure."

The second person in line said, "I'm an illegal alien. What will you do for people like me?"

"If I am elected," answered Obama, "every illegal alien will receive U.S. citizenship, free health coverage, and a scholarship to the university of your choice."

The third person in line said, "I'm a conservative. If elected, what will you do for me?"

"I'll send that first guy to Iraq, and the second guy back to Mexico."
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!