JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[LoneWolf]

Are  you a Democrat, a  Republican,  or a Southerner  ? 

  Here is  a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found  by posing the following  question:
  You're  walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small  children.
   Suddenly,  an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,  locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises  the knife, and charges at you.  You are  carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have  mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you  do?

  ____________________________________  ______________
THINK  CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN 
   
   
 



















 
 
 
 


 

Democrat's  Answer:
  Well,  that's not enough information to answer the  question!
  Does the  man look poor or  oppressed?
  Have I  ever done anything t o him that would inspire him to attack? 
  Could we  run away?
  What  does my wife think?
  What  about the kids?
  Could I  possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his  hand?
  What  does the law say about this situation? 
  Does the  Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? 
  Why am I  carrying a loaded gun anyw ay, and what kind of message does this  send to society and to my children?
  Is it  possible he'd be happy with just killing me? 
  Does he  definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound  me?
  If I  were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while  he was stab bing me?
  Should I  call 9-1-1?
  Why is  this street so deserted? 
  We need  to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a  happier, healthier street that would discourage such  behavior.
  This is  all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few  days and try to come to a consensus. 

 

 

 

Republican's  Answer:
  BANG! 

   
 

 

 
Southerner's  Answer:
  BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
  BANG!  Click..... (Sounds of  reloading)
  BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
  BANG!  Click
  Daughter:  'Nice groupi ng, Daddy! Were those the Winchester  Silver Tips or Hollow Points?' 
  Son:  'Can I shoot the next  one!'
  Wife:  'You're not takin' that to the  Taxidermist

[FlameRed08]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
 approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"
 
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
 
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
 into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
 
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
 of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
 
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
 
 The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
 
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
 taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
 
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
 
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
 

[slurveysTJ]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
> over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
> partial sponge bath.
>
> 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
>
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
> to wash your upper body and feet.'
>
> He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
> black?'
>
> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
> worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
> back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
> his testicles in the other.
>
> Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
> Sir!'
>
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
> 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
> closely...............
>
> 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'
>

[slurveysTJ]

> The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that nname and askedeveryone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'  The word got around and nobody called him that any more.  Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird  forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and tookher deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and allnight. He made love to her all the next day,  until  Blue Bird died fromexhaustion.  The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised hewould do.  Years went by and no one dared call him by his given nameuntil A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why  

OH, come on... take a guess !!!  Think about it !!!     You're going to love this !!! 

Everyone knows... > > > >  > > > >





You can't kill Two Birds > > > >  > > > > with OneStone !!!       

[LibertyPatriot]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man..

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted..!!!

[farmboy]

Urinate   
 
  Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.
Sarah said, Cows have spots.

Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.

Carla said, Computers are electronic.

Bobby said, Urinate.

Mrs. Flebs said, Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.

Bobby said, Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.
 

[OJTV8CJ]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the  whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.'


                                    Happy Halloween

[farmboy]

nicely played.  that was real belly shaker!!

[CRAZY LARRY]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual furneral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the frist one.
Behind the first hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind, following the second hearse, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand it, his curiosity got the best of him. He  respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied,"My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further,"but who is the second hearse back there?"

The man answered,"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can i brrow the dog?"

The man replied,"Get in line."

[farmboy]

I am against this kind of jokes, but i couldn't pass up on spreading it on.........

Obama, his wife and Oprah were on a plane flying across te country.  Obama said, "I could drop 1, $100 bill out the plane and make one person happy." His wife says, "well i could drop 10, $100 bill out the plane and make 10 people happy." Oprah says, "well I could drop 100, $100 dollar bills out the plane and make 100 people happy."

The pilot looks at his partner and says, "oh yeah, well I could drop 3 loud mouthed niggers out of this plane and make 20 Million people happy."




I know that is just wrong, but I figured as much as everyone on here hates him they would love that.

[YJ_Aaron]

Dave didn't I send that to you as a text message? 

[farmboy]

yes buddy you did

[GHOST00TJ]

The  Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'  'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other s hoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

   

[LoneWolf]

Lost Churches in New Orleans

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana
aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.

The interviewee was asked if the complete devastation of the
churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied,
"I don't know about all those other peoples, but we
haven't gone to Churches in years.
We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless

[LibertyPatriot]

Guts or  Balls
 
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference  between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are  listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to  ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS  - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on  your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion  on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in  the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!