JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[farmboy]

Condom Size Tester   
 
     A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
 

[LoneWolf]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. 
If you break his wing, I'll break your arm.
Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
    May your turkey be plump,
    May your potatoes and gravy
    Have never a lump.
    May your yams be delicious
    And your pies take the prize,
    And may your Thanksgiving dinner
    Stay off of your thighs!


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[Jeeper guy]

   Future president Obama contacted Fox tv stations and told them they were not showing enough Black people on there scheduled programing. Fox responded and said fine we'll show two episodes a day of COPS.


I know this is not politically correct but i thought i would share.  

[LoneWolf]

^^ good one Jeeper guy ^^



Pillsbury Doughboy Dead at 71
   
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[B-Love]

An oldie but a goodie...

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.  The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Grand Rapids, MI.

 Frank:  "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off.  The Original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted"

Here are the scorecards from the advent:  (Frank is Judge #3) 

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild. Judge #3 -- (Frank)  Holy sh_t, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy..

Chili #2  Austin's Afterburner Chili . . .

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.  Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.  Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
 
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick, Needs more beans Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I"m getting sh_t-faced from all of the beer.

Chili #4  Dave's Black Magic . . .

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5  Lisa's Legal Lip Remover . . .

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended whin I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm buring my lips off?  It really p_sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety . . .

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb! Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I sh_t myself when I farted and I?m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili . . .

Judge #1 -- A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 -- Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am  worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn?t feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My Pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach...

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not to bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 --  The final entry is a good, Balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili???

[YJ_Aaron]

Nice Bobby... reminds me of having chili in Texas!

[farmboy]

That is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long time.  I had to stop half way in order to get a tissue for my eyes, I was crying so hard.  Someone walked into my work and I had to get up and wait on them and they looked at me with this weird face, probably wondering why I guy my size is setting in front of the computer crying. I give it a 10 .... a !@#$%^& 10!!!

[OldYJ]

well I have lost track of this thread so sorry if this is a repost....


A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying
to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she
was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs
and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[OldYJ]

 A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he  saw a lady playing ahead of him.
 He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

 She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so  you must be on the 6th hole."

 He thanked her and went back to his golf.

> On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

 She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th hole."

 Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
 He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

 He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that  she was a sales lady and played the course often.

 He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation  for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

 

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

 "No, I won't."

 "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
 With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

 She said, "See--I knew you would laugh."

 "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
 Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[JEEPOLANTERN]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
 
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
 
The woman replies, 'Its Keith, The midget.'

[OldYJ]

THE SENSITIVE MAN



>       
        A woman meets a man in a bar.
         
 
       They talk; they connect; they end 
 
       up leaving together.         
 
       They get back to his place,
        and as he shows her around his 
 
       apartment.
 
         
 
       She notices that one wall of his 
 
       bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
 
     

       There are three shelves in the 
       bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
 
         
 
       It was obvious that he had taken
 
       quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
 
       by the amount of thought he had 
 
       put into organizing the display.
 
       There were small bears all along 
 
       the bottom shelf,

       medium-sized bears covering the
       length of the middle shelf, 
         
     and huge, enormous bears running   
      all the way along the top shelf. 
 
         

       She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,    but
 
       she is quite impressed by his 

       sensitive side.
 
         
 
       She doesn't mention this to him though.
 
         
 
       They share a bottle of wine and   
       continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
 
         
 
       'Oh m y God! Maybe, this guy 
        could be the one!       
        Maybe he could be the future 

       father of my children?'
 
       She turns to him and kisses him   
 
       lightly on the lips.
        He responds warmly.

       They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in         his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.           
 
      She is so overwhelmed that she   
        responds with more passion,
       more creativity, more heat than she
 
      has ever known.
      After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

       
 
       The woman rolls over, gently 
 
       strokes his chest and asks coyly, 
       'Well,how was it?'
       

      The guy gently smiles at her,

      strokes her cheek,
      looks deeply into her eyes,

      and says: 
         
 
       'Help yourself to any prize
       from the middle shelf'

[farmboy]

How are you doing?

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.

[YJ_Aaron]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........
You got Nice house' 

 

[FlameRed08]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[JEEPOLANTERN]

Maybe Alex can help me out on this one, I'm an engineering student and Alex is an engineer and I don't see him turning down the trim for the bike either!