JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[derf1184]

I'd take both and sell the bike for beer money. 

She didn't say you could only take one...

[OldYJ]

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were
receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class
by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary
to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
said, 'The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.

[OldYJ]

The Iranian Air Defense Radar (part of Iran 's military) requires all
aircraft crossing Iranian territory to give them a 10 minute "heads
up" that
they plan to enter Iranian air space. After making contact with the
Iranians, the common procedure is for commercial aircraft to give them their
call sign, transponder code, type of aircraft, point of origin, and
destination.
 
A Marine aircraft flying from Europe to Dubai overheard this conversation on
the emergency frequency 121.5 near Dubai . It went something like this:
 
Air Defense Radar:  "Unknown aircraft at (location), you are in Iranian
airspace. Identify yourself."
 
Unknown Aircraft:  "This is a United States aircraft and I am in IRAQI
airspace."
 
Air Defense Radar:  "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!"
 
Unknown Aircraft:  "This is a United States Marine F/A-18 fighter jet.
Send
'em up; I'll wait!"
 
Air Defense Radar:  (No Response)

[OldYJ]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove
 they've retained their sense
of humor with the following:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and
$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left
hand, but consider bacon"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't
declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones
 have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think
 every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your
 neighbor's goat

[CRAZY LARRY]

good ones roger

[OJTV8CJ]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
 
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[YJ_Aaron]

Obama is in office... and lookie what I got!

[OJTV8CJ]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.

[YJ_Aaron]

Well since we had chili cookoff saturday and this joke came up a few times i thought i'd BTT it... thanks BOBBY.

An oldie but a goodie...

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.  The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Grand Rapids, MI.

 Frank:  "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off.  The Original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted"

Here are the scorecards from the advent:  (Frank is Judge #3) 

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild. Judge #3 -- (Frank)  Holy sh_t, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy..

Chili #2  Austin's Afterburner Chili . . .

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.  Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.  Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
 
Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick, Needs more beans Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I"m getting sh_t-faced from all of the beer.

Chili #4  Dave's Black Magic . . .

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5  Lisa's Legal Lip Remover . . .

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended whin I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm buring my lips off?  It really p_sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety . . .

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb! Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I sh_t myself when I farted and I?m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili . . .

Judge #1 -- A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 -- Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am  worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn?t feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My Pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach...

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not to bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 --  The final entry is a good, Balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili???

[LoneWolf]

Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shoot,' the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room.

[LoneWolf]

[LoneWolf]

A Chinese man and a Jewish man were walking along one day when the Jewish man hit the Chinese man. "What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.

"That was for Pearl Harbor." the Jewish man said.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"

The Chinese man then punches the Jewish man.

"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.

"That was for the Titanic."

"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same!"

[LoneWolf]

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I know is, I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, ʽHas anyone seen the spade or the hoe." The next thing I knew I was fired.

[FlameRed08]

To Women everywhere, from the Men who have had enough!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it
up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.

2. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us anymore --
we refuse to answer.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. And don't
ask us what we ARE thinking about unless you're prepared to
discuss such subjects as belly button lint or monster trucks.

5. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the tides:
there's nothing you can do about it. And shopping isn't a sport,
never was a sport and never will be a sport.

6. When we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's
get going already!

7. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Most guys own
just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be any good at
choosing which of YOUR 30 pairs goes well with that dress?

8. Crying is blackmail. [Blackmail is cheating. Men don't like people
who cheat. See #5.]

9. Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear
on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work,
really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about
it, just come right out and ask us. [And by the way, the answer is
probably "no".]

10. We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays,
anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the
calendar.

11. Trust me on this, standing up while peeing makes it much harder to
aim. We're bound to miss sometimes. It's not the end of the world.

12. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any
question.

13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we DO. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

14. A headache that recurs every night is a problem. See a doctor.

15. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. [Unless there's
fighting in it.]

16. Check your dang oil. [And if your car makes a "funny noise", say
something now -- don't wait until it gets worse. And it ALWAYS
gets worse.]

17. It is not in your best interest or ours to take that magazine quiz
together. It doesn't matter which magazine or which quiz.

18. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. [Really.]

20. Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. [As
my old friend Rich used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get
your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an
appetite, OK?]

21. You can either tell us to do something -or- tell us how to do
something, but not both.

22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

23. All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And
life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into
"pretty much white."

24. When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.

[slurveysTJ]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.


GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?   


COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?