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Author Topic: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.  (Read 95088 times)

Offline DrLewall

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  • Posts: 114
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #30 on: 01/ 1/07 - 12:29PM »
For those of you who are pet lovers and owners, this will make perfect sence to you!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 1081
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 2082
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about  what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it  included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds  could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb  still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul
odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Logged
DrLewall
"Doc"

Offline wheelchairman

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  • Posts: 168
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #31 on: 01/ 1/07 - 01:26PM »
Quote from: "DrLewall"
For those of you who are pet lovers and owners, this will make perfect sence to you!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 1081
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 2082
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about  what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it  included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds  could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb  still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul
odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.


so true except my dog doesnt mind bathtime.
Logged

Offline DrLewall

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  • Posts: 114
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #32 on: 01/ 1/07 - 03:32PM »
 This guy runs into a bar and slams
his fist down on the bar and demands
a drink of the Bars best whiskey and
he has to have it now!  He drinks it
down and demands another, again he
chugs it down. He again demands another
and the Bartender asks, "what in the
world is your problem there buddy?"
The guy chugs down his drink and says,
"Hurry, give me another! You'd be drinkin
like this too if you had what I have!
Hurry poor me another!"
The bartender poors another and again this
guys chugs it down.  The bartender then
asks, "exactly what is it you have?"  
The guy replies, "A dollar."
Logged
DrLewall
"Doc"

Offline TanYJ

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  • Posts: 706
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #33 on: 01/ 2/07 - 01:42AM »
Three things to remember after 50:

1.  NEVER pass a rest area.

2.  NEVER waste an erection.

3. NEVER trust a fart.
Logged
J-ust.................It's
E-mpty.............Hip
E-very............To be
P-ocket.........[-]====[-]
.....The second mouse gets the cheese.....
"Skinny models, you can keep those..I like big corn-fed mid-western ho's"

Offline cpj

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  • Posts: 123
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #34 on: 01/ 2/07 - 03:15AM »
Quote from: "TanYJ"
Three things to remember after 50:

 
3. NEVER trust a fart.

Heck, Im only 31 and sometimes I dont trust them. Just ask Roger. :bigeyes:
Logged
Once in a while that perfect part rolls around that the redneck craftsman sees and goes, "this would be just perfect as a ________."

Offline TJ-2thousand

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  • Posts: 907
  • When in doubt, throttle out!!!
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #35 on: 01/ 2/07 - 11:41AM »
more after 50...


never mix ex-lax and muscle relaxers!
Logged
CAMPING WITHOUT BEER IS JUST SLEEPING OUTSIDE!

Offline LoneWolf

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  • Posts: 2557
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #36 on: 01/ 5/07 - 06:19PM »
The Buffalo Theory:

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers :

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only
 move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This
 natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members."

 "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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EVERY NORMAL MAN MUST BE TEMPTED AT TIMES TO SPIT ON HIS HANDS, HOIST THE BLACK FLAG, AND BEGIN SLITTING THROATS.

Offline cpj

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  • Posts: 123
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #37 on: 01/ 6/07 - 03:42AM »
Miranda Rights

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "boobs!"
Logged
Once in a while that perfect part rolls around that the redneck craftsman sees and goes, "this would be just perfect as a ________."

Offline farmboy

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  • Posts: 276
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #38 on: 01/ 8/07 - 02:44PM »
Last two were pretty good.

I'll have to use them both if and when the time arises.
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Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline Jeepsters Wife

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  • Posts: 26
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #39 on: 01/ 9/07 - 11:40AM »
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal,
and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this William Wagenhoss" not
sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling? The
telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to
the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and
must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he
would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to
testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great
length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had
been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was
getting very concerned and his answers were given in a  shakey voice. I
then told him we had located his position at his work place and the
police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that
point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My
wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down
my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.
Logged
GATE LADY SAYS!
Thumbs UP! To wheelin @ SMORR!

Ranch Rockette Says!!!
Dream as if you'll live forever......Live as if you'll die tomorrow!

Offline Care Bear

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Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #40 on: 01/ 9/07 - 11:50AM »
Good one!!
Logged
ari
When you get squeezed, the stuff that comes out, is what is on the inside.

Offline farmboy

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  • Posts: 276
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #41 on: 01/ 9/07 - 01:40PM »
Heard that one on Bob and Tom.
Logged
Be quick to listen, slow to speek and slow to anger!!

Offline redneck_punk

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  • Posts: 173
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #42 on: 01/ 9/07 - 01:42PM »
A guy buys a brand new beamer and takes it out on the high way to see what it will do.  He hit 90 right as he passed a Highway patrol car so doing the logical thing he sped up but then got caught in traffic and the cop caught up and pulled him over.

When the cop asked him if he knew what he was pulled over for the man answered "SPEEDING".

The cop replied yes and since you didn't make me chase you I will give you a chance to get out of the ticket buy giving me an excuse that I haven't heard.

The man ponders for a minute and then begins to say

  Well officer my wife left me for a police officer so to cheer me back up I went and bought a new car.  I was just out testing it and that is when I saw you .

The officer replied so why did you run.

The man without missing a beat stated that when he saw the office behind him he was trying to get away for fear that he was trying to bring his wife back.

The office stood there with a blank face on and simply stated
" Have a good day sir"
Logged
t's a Jeep NOT a sheep get off my tail!!!!!!!!

Offline Care Bear

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  • Posts: 220
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #43 on: 01/ 9/07 - 08:01PM »
Sunburned and upset, Sandy returned to the office on Monday morning.  "What's wrong Sandy?" asked one of her co-workers.  "I've had it!" exclaimed Sandy; "I'm going on a diet once and for all!"  "Oh you dont look so bad," said the co-worker.  "Oh, really?" pouted Sandy.  "Sunday, I decided to go to the beach and fell asleep.  I woke up with four men from Greenpeace pulling on my arms and legs and one shouting: "Quick, let's see if we can slide i back into the water."


Most Women are attracted to the simple things in life.  Like men. :agree:


Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

I thought I'd try to catch up to the rest of you funny people :loopeye:
Logged
ari
When you get squeezed, the stuff that comes out, is what is on the inside.

Offline YJ_Aaron

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  • Posts: 4255
  • Jeep @ Disney
Re: bringing back the joke thread
« Reply #44 on: 01/11/07 - 10:04PM »
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
 him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
on his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the  Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.  The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.
Logged
Is it possible for a jeep to ever truely be finished?<br /><br />Only the dead have seen the end of war---Plato
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