JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[LoneWolf]

2010 Redneck List


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[LibertyPatriot]

Glad it warmed up. I was afraid this was gonna happen:

[FlameRed08]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
 
'Jesus is watching you.'
 
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[LoneWolf]

TOP 10 "OLD WEST" Phrases...

[LoneWolf]

A Man's Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess....

'Will you marry me?'



The Princess said, 'NO!!!'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and worked on his Jeep, went 4wheeling, went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[Jeeper guy]

Thumbs up jimmy that's a good one.

[LoneWolf]

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

[upnovr]

FARM KID in the ARMY

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges . They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,


Alice

[Jeeper guy]

[TJ-2thousand]

^^^ thats awesome! 

[Jeeper guy]

[Jeeper guy]

[LibertyPatriot]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.


 

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" 

"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

 "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

 "Yep."

 "Were there any survivors?"

 "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he weren't ... But you know what a liar he is."

[Mo Printer]

A man was at Dillons the other day, and asked the young produce manager if he could buy a half a head of lettuce.  The young man explained that he could only sell a whole head.  The man persists, and asks to speak with the store manager.  The boy says that he will speak to the manger.   Walking into the back room, the boy says to the store manager 'Some ass wants to buy a half a head of lettuce', as he finishes his statement he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds 'and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half'.  The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.
Later the manager says to the boy 'I was impressed in how you got out of that situation, we like people who think on their feet.  Where do you come from?'  'Canada, sir' the boy replies.  'Well, why did you leave Canada' the manager asks.
The boy replies 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.  'Really', the manger says, 'my wife is from Canada.'  'No kidding' the boy replies, 'who did she play for?'

[Mo Printer]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"  "Sorry," replied the guy.  "He eats everything in sight, the little b@$+@&d.  I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.  He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.  The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did now?"  he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy.  "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."