JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[DrLewall]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same
female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.  

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would
leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came
back to work, so how would she know they went home early??  

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.  

The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at
the spa before meeting dinner date.  

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,
but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from
inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently,
she closed the door and crept out of her house.  

 The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead
planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she
was going to go with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed.
"I almost got caught yesterday."

 

[Pepper]

Father-Daughter Talk
 
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and
was very much in favor of the redistribution of  wealth.
 
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that
her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.
 
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she
was doing in school.
 
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking
a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her
no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends
because she spent all her time studying.
 
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing ?"
 
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."
 
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
 
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily  fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!
I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next
to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
 
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the
Republican party."

[farmboy]

Brunette Meets Genie  
 
  A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

[OJTV8CJ]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have".

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-through's, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini please".

Again it was superb. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir" .

Th is time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

The robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ" .

This time the man drawled out, "Uh... About 50".


The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...


A-R-E........ Y-O-U-R......... P-E-O-P-L-E..........
G-O-I-N-G.........T-O........ N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E..........
H-I-L-L-A-R-Y-??

[LoneWolf]

Statistics

Doctors:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of  Health Human Services.

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is  80,000,000.  (Yes, that's 80 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.  

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

[farmboy]

Brad and Jimmy,

Both were pretty good.

[LoneWolf]

There are some really good jokes in here... wish I could remember them when I want to use em, but never can..

David .. you avatar is hilarious. that's a joke in itself.

[Bradman]

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses."

[Bradman]

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)...
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here
that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is
why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in
the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.

[CRAZY LARRY]

Saddam obit completed: hussein was predeceased by two sons, uday and qusay, and is survived by 15 sons: Sooflay, a restauranteur; Guday,who lives in australia;Huray, asports fanatic; Sashay, who is gay; Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in africa; Sayhay, a baseball player; Ojay, a stalker and murder; Gulay a singer and enteretainer; Ebay, an internet entrepreneur; Billray, a country music star; Ecksray, a radiologist; Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders; Raygay, who lives in jamaica; and tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters: Lattay, a coffee-shop owner; Bufay, a big eater; Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company; Phayray, an actress; Sapheway, a grocery store owner; Ollay, who lives in mexico; and Gudlay, a prostitute. there is reportedly another surviving son, oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family.

[DrLewall]

You forgot Noway who has no sence of direction and Search teams are still looking for him.  :agree:

[OldYJ]

this has turned into a realy good read   :brows:

pepper I love that one :applaudit:

[Pepper]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
 
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
 
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now."

[DrLewall]

Heaven is my home, BUT I aint homesick yet!  :applaudit:  That was a good one!

[Care Bear]

A priest and a pastor from the local town were pounding a sign into the side of the road.  The sign read "The end is near, turn yourselves around before it is too late!"

When a car sped by and the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"  The car drove around the corner and the pastor and priest suddenly heard screaching tires and a big splash.  

They looked at each other and shrugged. The priest asked "should the sign just read Bridge Is OUt?"