JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[LoneWolf]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ... She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".


At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.
 
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s--t it can no longer fly.

[CRAZY LARRY]

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women... #10. you can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. you can keep one gun at home and have anther  for when you're on the road. #8 If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.#7 your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. #6 your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5 A gun dosen't take up a lot of closet space. #4 Guns function normally eveny day of the month. #3 A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?"#2 a gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. and the number one reason a gun is favored over a women... #1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

[LoneWolf]

Good one Larry  :applaudit:

[Care Bear]

yeah hee hee......... NOT FUNNY :applaudit:

[farmboy]

That was the best one in a while Larry.   :bowdown:

[farmboy]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[YJ_Aaron]

Larry & Dave brought the funny back.

[farmboy]

Pick up lines.......

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs....what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

[DrLewall]

"Hi, didn't we go to different high schools together"?

[CRAZY LARRY]

One Monday morning a mailman was walking the negihborhood on his usa l route. As he aproached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles. "Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented. Bob in obvious pain replies,'Actually we had it saturday night. this is the first time i've felt like moving since 4:00 pm sunday. We had fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for christmas cheer and it got a bit wild. hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I ?"The mialman thought a moment and said, How do you play that? "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing thoguh a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." the mailman laughed and said, Damn,I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a goog thing you did," Bob responded, 'YOUR NAME CAME UP FOUR OR FIVE TIMES..."

[farmboy]

Not a joke, but I thought it was funny anyway.

[CRAZY LARRY]

Oarzks Ten Commandments.
{1} JUST ONE GOD.
{2}HONOR YER MA & PA.
{3} NO TELLIN' TALES OR GOSSIPIN'.
{4}GIT  YOURSELF TO SUNDAY MEETIN'.
{5} PUT NOTHIN' BEFORE GOD.
{6}NO FOOLIN' AROUND WITH ANOTHER FELLOW'S GAL.
{7} NO KILLIN'.
{8}WATCH YER MOUTH.
{9} DON'T TAKE WHAT AIN'T YERS.
{10}DON'T BE HANKERIN' FOR YER BUDDY'S STUFF.
NOW THAT'S KINDA PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
Y'ALL HAVE A NICE DAY

[Pepper]

Official Announcement:

Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.  Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

[DrLewall]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
 As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two rednecks sitting
in a used chevy pick up.

 He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.  Were
 they trying to steal it?
 "Oh heck no, we bought it."
 "Then why don't you drive it away."
 "We can't drive."
 "Then why did you buy it?"
 
 "We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."

[CRAZY LARRY]

Subject: Two Ladies In Heaven.

Two Ladies In Heaven.
1st, woman: Hi My name is Wanda.
2nd. woman : Hi My name is Sylvia, How'd you die?
1st. woman: I Froze to Deth.
2nd. womn: How Horrible!
1st. woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd. woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st. woman: So, what happened?
2nd. woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over he house looking. I ran up into he attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st. woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive!