JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[Care Bear]

An 85 year old man went to his doctor for a physical.  As part of the physical the Doctor wanted a sperm count.  He handed the older man a jar and said, " Take this home and fill it and bring it back tomorrow."

The next day the man brought the jar back empty.  The Doctor asked "did you have trouble filling it?"

The gentleman said "no, first I tried my right hand and then my left hand.

Then my wife tried with her right hand and left hand.  Then she tried with her teeth and once without her teeth.

We even called the neighbor lady, she tried with both hands."

The Doctor was shocked and asked "you had your neighbor try?"

"Yes," he replied

"Well, what seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor

" Well, sir none of us could get the Jar opened."

[DrLewall]

Oh Jeez! Is that what I got to look fwd to when I get old? Unable to open jars??  :applaudit:

[Pepper]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses  between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and  Afghanistan . One of the

courses had a professor who was a  vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He  looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then  I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten  minutes went
by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair,
went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;  knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and
sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat
there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably
shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with
you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy
today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say
stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

[farmboy]

Dude, that was freaking awesome.  I know of a couple of professors that I had in college that I would love to see that done to.  Athiest bastards!!!! Anyway, I liked it.  Found this one earlier today.

FREEZING HANDS

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

[Pepper]

hehe, Yeah . . . my ears are freezing, lol!

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a Blonde joke?"
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair -- given that you are blind --that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
    in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
    weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[CRAZY LARRY]

OUT-HOUSE HUMOR

MA AND PA ARE TWO HILLBILLIES LIVING OUT ON A FARM.
PA HAS FOUND OUT THAT THE HOLE UNDER THE OUT-HOSUE IS FULL.
HE GOES INTO THE HOUSE AND TELLS MA THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO EMPTY THE HOLE.
MA SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK THE YOUNG'N DOWN THE ROAD? HE MUST BE SMART 'CAUSE HE'S A COLLEGE GRADJYATE."
SO PA DRIVES DOWN TO THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE AND ASKS HIM, "MR. COLLEGE GRADJYATE, MY OUTHOUSE HOLE IS FULL, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO EMPTY IT."
THE YOUNG'N TELLS HIM, "GET YOURSELF TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE, ONE WITH A SHORT FUSE AND ONE WITH A LONG FUSE.
PUT THEM BOTH UNDER THE OUTHOUSE LIGHT THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.
THE FIRST ONE WILL GO OFF AND SHOOT THE OUTHOUSE IN THE AIR.
WHILE IT'S IN THE AIR THE SECOND WILL THEN GO OFF AND SPREAD THE POOP ALL ACROSS YOUR FARM, FERTILIZING YOUR GROUND.
THE OUTHOUSE SHOULD THEN COME BACK DOWN TO THE SAME SPOT ATOP THE NOW-EMPTY HOLE."
PA THANKS THE NEIGHBOR, THEN DRIVES TO THE HARDWARE STORE AND PICKS UP TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE, ONE WITH A SHORT FUSE AND ONE WITH A LONG FUSE.
HE GOES HOME AND PUTS THEM UNDER THE OUTHOUSE. HE THEN LIGTS THEM AND RUNS BEHIND A TREE.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, MA COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE HOUSE AND INTO THE OUTHOUSE!
OFF GOES THE FIRST STICK OF DYNAMITE... SHOOTING THE OUTHOUSE INTO THE AIR BOOM! OFF GOES THE SECOND STICK OF DYNAMITE , SPREADING POOP ALL OVER THE FARM.
WHAM! THE OUTHOUSE COMES CRASHING BACK DOWN ATOP THE HOLE...
PA RACES TO THE OUTHOUSE. THROWS OPEN THE DOOR AND ASKS, "MA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
AS SHE PULLS UP HER BLOOMERS SHE SAYS...
"YEAH, BUT I'M SURE GLAD I DIDN'T BREAK WIND IN THE KITCHEN !

[heath_ster]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher." :beerchug:

[CRAZY LARRY]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name,address,socal secrity number,etc. and the asks, "What is your occupation?"
I'm a whore." she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says,"No,No,No, that won't work. LETS TRY TO REPHRASE THAT."
The woman says ,OK,I'm a high-end call girl".
"No that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, I'm an elite Chicken farmer."
The accountant asks."What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?.
"Wel, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is ."

[Pepper]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country, He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
 
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
 
Dear Vincent,
 
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here, my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me.
 
Love,

Dad
 
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden.  That's where I buried the BODIES.
 
Love,
Vinnie
 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.
 
That same day the old  man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
 
Love,
Vinnie

[Care Bear]

That was smart thinking!! Great joke.

[YJ_Aaron]

Let the jokes be read once again.  The BOD has decided to bring this thread back, so ENJOY.

[LoneWolf]

FYI: drama, pages 1 and 2, eradicated, by me.

[Care Bear]

Yippee!!

[Bradman]

Two Blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.



Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.



The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a
little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.



In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "ya
know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die

[Bradman]

A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas... Sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer !!

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"