JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[OldYJ]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into this western town one  day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of  whiskey .
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule  to the
hitch rail .  As he stood there brushing some of the dust from  his face and
clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in  one hand

and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand he looked at the old man  and laughed .
Then he said "Hey old man have you ever danced?"
 
The old man looked up at him and said "No, I never did dance, I just never did want to."
 
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said "Well you old  fool
you're gonna dance now."  And he started shooting at the old man's  feet. The
old man was hopping around and every body was laughing. He fired  his last
bullet then holstered his gun and he turned around to go back into  the saloon.
 
The old man reached up on the mule got his shotgun and pulled the  hammers
back making a clicking sound. The gunslinger heard this and everything got
quiet. He turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at  him.
The old man asked him " Did you ever kiss a mule right on the BUTT?"
 
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No, but I've always wanted  to."

thanks to CPJ for this one

[LibertyPatriot]

Okay,

A guy walks into a bar

[cpj]

Subject: The Outhouse


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[farmboy]

Sexual Olympics  
 
  A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

[farmboy]

Sunday School  
 
  Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[LoneWolf]

Top 10 Reasons . . . to date (or marry) a Jeepchick

10. You won't have to share your Jeep with her.

  9. Weather permitting, she prefers driving topless.

  8. Since she is obviously not into creature comforts, she will be low maintenance.

  7. She can probably perform her own Jeep maintenance, so you won't have to.

  6. She won't complain when you are out working on your Jeep.

  5. She probably has her own tools.

  4. She likes it rough and bumpy.

  3. She can take your Jeep in for warranty work, and they won't ask her a single question, even with that 4-inch lift and those 33-inch Super Swampers.

  2. She will usually buy you Jeep parts for gifts, and expect the same in return.

And the Number One reason to date (or marry) a chick with a Jeep:

  1. Plenty of spare parts waiting to be stripped from her Jeep when she's not looking!

[farmboy]

Much Better!!!   :applaudit:

[freds_94]

how do you tell the difference between male fudge and female fudge?


male fudge has nuts

[DrLewall]

Why Men Wear Earrings

 A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker
is wearing an  earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative  fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were
into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods  him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my Jeep."

[Care Bear]

Top 10 Reasons . . . to date (or marry) a Jeepchick

10. You won't have to share your Jeep with her.

  9. Weather permitting, she prefers driving topless.

  8. Since she is obviously not into creature comforts, she will be low maintenance.

  7. She can probably perform her own Jeep maintenance, so you won't have to.

  6. She won't complain when you are out working on your Jeep.

  5. She probably has her own tools.

  4. She likes it rough and bumpy.

  3. She can take your Jeep in for warranty work, and they won't ask her a single question, even with that 4-inch lift and those 33-inch Super Swampers.

  2. She will usually buy you Jeep parts for gifts, and expect the same in return.

And the Number One reason to date (or marry) a chick with a Jeep:

  1. Plenty of spare parts waiting to be stripped from her Jeep when she's not looking!

LOL Good Joke....  Keep your paws off of my Jeep :agree:

[farmboy]

Since we are in the Bible Belt I thought this was funny!!

Don't Make Me Bible Belt You  
 
  A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[OldYJ]

:applaudit:  thats a good one Dave

[DrLewall]

Since we are in the Bible Belt I thought this was funny!!
"

A  preacher was preparing his sermon for the upcoming Sunday
service.   He  told his wife that he had decided  to  preach
against  the  "sins of surfing."  It seems that the  members
were going to the beach on Sunday instead of church,  and he
wanted  to  do something about  it.   His  wife  vigoriously
protested,  saying that he really should not do this,  since
he didn't know what he was talking about.

On Sunday the preacher's wife was sick,  and could not go to
church with him.  On his way to Church, the preacher decided
that  she  was right,  and changed the text of  his  sermon,
deciding to preach about the "sin of illicit sex."

On  the following Tuesday,  the preacher's wife attended her
ladies church meeting.  One of the ladies there commented to
her  that she had really enjoyed the sermon of the  previous
Sunday.   The wife looked very surprised,  and said, "Well I
don't  know  why...I told him not to preach  about  it.   He
doesn't know anything about it, has only tried it twice, and
he fell off both times."

[OldYJ]

THREE MECHANICS

Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands its dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands."

[TanYJ]

Three old Jeepers are sitting on the porch, talking about who has it the worst.  Roger says to Brad & Tom, "All those miles on the trail have made it tough to take a leak in the morning when i get out of bed, I have to get up at 5am & it takes me almost 45 minutes to dribble my bladder dry."

Brad replies, "HA!  You think you have it bad, i have to get up at 4:30 to take my morning dump.  I'm so constipated from all those miles on the trail, it takes me almost an hour to finish."

Tom looks at the other two, and chuckles, "Well, at 5am, i pi$$ like a racehorse, & at 6am, i crap like a pig......Then around 7:15, i wake up"