JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[YJ_Aaron]

[LoneWolf]

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

; "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

[Jeeper guy]

Jimmy, I think that is the funniest joke i have heard in a long time.

[LoneWolf]

There are A LOT of good ones in this thread, but man it's gotten so big would take you 3 weeks to read them all. LOL

[Jeeper guy]

Yeah 20 pages of jokes is gunna take a while to read. I'll have to look for some good ones through the pages.

[OJTV8CJ]

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut),
people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of  Detroit's and Chicago 's inner city residents
(almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that  they have
enjoyed sex in the shower.

...The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[derf1184]

Guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
 identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home
 but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
 
 "May I see your identification, please?" asked the...

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

; "May I see your identification, please?" asked the...

Come on Jimmy, I expect more from an interweb master such as yourself.  I know this thread is long, but it was only one page back...

[YJ_Aaron]

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

1. Engage the enemy.

2. Draw him into your territory.

3. Wait until winter sets in.

The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:

If it doesn't move, hide behind it.

If it does move, surrender to it.

Iraqi Air Force motto:

I came I saw Iran

[LoneWolf]

Come on Jimmy, I expect more from an interweb master such as yourself.  I know this thread is long, but it was only one page back...

My bad. 

[slurveysTJ]

Not sure if this is a repost. If it is sorry and I will delete. Thought it was funny and don't have time to look right now.


This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
 
What Makes 100%?
 
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
 
How about achieving 103%?
 
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit  and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

[farmboy]

MAKING SENSE

A Tennessee couple -- Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.  They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this?  Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was a Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican Baby because neither of them could speak Spanish!!

[LoneWolf]

THE LUCKY HAT

My husband Joe and I were going through a divorce.
Joe decided he wanted to give it another try if I was willing to take
some interest in his hobbies and said he would do the same for me.

So hopeful of saving our marriage, I immediately said "yes"!

Joe invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it...the first time ever.

I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me and being
the thoughtful man that he is, Joe even gave me an opening day present.
He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.  I'm so fortunate to be married to him.
I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat ....

[xj42]

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Regards,

[Mo Printer]

A young woman has identical twin boys, and gives them up for adoption.  One baby boy went to a family in Egypt and they named him Ahmal.  The second boy went to a family in Spain and they named him Juan.  Years later Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responded "They're identical twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[LibertyPatriot]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."