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Author Topic: JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.  (Read 74157 times)
Mo Printer
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« Reply #315 on: 11/ 8/10 - 01:50PM »

Well, my 5 year old grandson told me that he had found a cat, but it was dead.  I asked him how he knew it was dead.  "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move", he innocently answered.  "You did WHAT?!!" I asked.  "You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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Mo Printer
Mo Printer
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« Reply #316 on: 05/13/11 - 04:04PM »

A buddy of mine was sitting at home alone the other night.  He hears a knock at the door, and two Greene County Deputies are standing on his porch.  He asked them if there was a problem, and one of them asked if he was married and did he have a picture of his wife.  He says sure, and shows them a picture of his wife.  One of the deputies says "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck".  My buddy says "I know, but she has a great personality and she's a real good cook".
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Mo Printer
Mo Printer
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« Reply #317 on: 06/24/11 - 10:38AM »

A buddy of mine from Texas writes 'While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River;  he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.  Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.  If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.  Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,  I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.  It is now 4:00 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.  I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...'
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« Reply #318 on: 12/ 3/11 - 11:09PM »

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible.
No, wait...sorry... I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.  Never mind.

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mrfast
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« Reply #319 on: 12/18/11 - 07:56AM »

For the RC haters out there!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkczroZ5yMI&feature=player_embedded
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Mo Printer
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« Reply #320 on: 07/17/12 - 03:50PM »

Judy & I went to a new ice cream place the other night.  As I groaned when I pulled myself up on the stool and ordered a Banana Split, the waitress asked 'Crushed Nuts?'  'No,' I said, 'Arthritis'.
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Martinez
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« Reply #321 on: 07/17/12 - 06:11PM »

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
 
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
 
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
 
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
 
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
 
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
 
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
 
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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Take it out and play with it!
Mo Printer
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« Reply #322 on: 01/30/15 - 09:11AM »

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Harry.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact,  more than you.
I do not get it at home, but that is no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, with my promise that it won't ever happen again".

Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in,  "I hate autospell!  I meant "WIFI", not "wife".
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